Wait what?

When I am speaking to certain people, as I look at their eyes and they seem empty. that sounds harsh but I think why it appears this way is because of their approach to conversation. When someone else is talking, they are not listening but rather thinking of what they want to say in response. I know this because: they have confessed it to me, they can not wait till you finish a thought to jump in with their own, or they respond after you are done but the response goes against the latter half of your statement.

I'll address the last reason for clarity very quickly.

If I say, "I was so angry I just wanted to end the friendship but I won't because I have already forgiven him and we are already rebuilding the trust." Then they come back to say, "You really shouldn't end the friendship over that." I become stunned and either ask if they were there for the last half of my statement or I am so amazed that I just drop the whole thought altogether because they aren't worthy of it. [run-on].

In my quest to be a better listener, this has been the most valuable lesson to have learned. Honestly, when I wait till the end to think, something incredible (to me at least) comes up in my head. Then I think to myself, "I didn't know I knew that." or "How in the heck did I come up with such a good thought without my normal hours of contemplation?" Magic? No. Being a good listener and being thoughtful of the person. I think so.

Now to share the thing that came up last night that changes the way I view all my blessings.

Math has always come natural to me. Some people struggle with it as I struggle with spelling. If you asked me to explain math to you, I couldn't. If you asked me to figure something out through math, I could. I turned this 'gift' into a curse though. It perpetuated my laziness and planted the seed for procrastination. I still struggle with having a great work ethic unless it is structured time. My sister though, has the best work ethic because she had to work very hard at math and science for hours every night. This was a blessing that I used and didn't utilize. I could have utilized it to grow more and help others but I used it to 'take the easy road' and not grow. Some people are blessed with great families, some with money, some with physical ability, and some with a heart of gold. I am beginning to think that we shouldn't ever rely on our gifts but to utilized them to enhance our life. For when we do we increase to our full potential as we would through hardship.

Recharge the Battery

Sometimes I feel that I am like my digital camera. Sure, I can always 'be'. Just because the battery dies on the camera doesn't mean that the camera doesn't exist anymore. At the same time, it is like the camera dies with the battery because it can't function as it should or function at all. It doesn't see all of the colors around it. Nothing sinks in and is retained.

I need to recharge me batteries.

Conflict and Conflicted

I avoid conflict because the pain/hardship/awkwardness is normally not worth the issue being addressed. Also, I avoid conflict because it involves me being caught. Here is where I am conflicted. I just lied. I feel gross. I almost feel sick to my stomach. I almost hope that that person talks to another certain person to find out that I am lying and never speaks to me again. Another part of me hopes I do not get caught. Either way I can not explain why I have been so dumb and tried to play a game when it was completely unnecessary. I am who I am and if that freaks you out or makes you feel uncomfortable, oh wells. Hopefully I will find other weird people out there who I can get along with that can understand part of what I feel. Until then, I blog... [was that a cheesy enough ending?]

known by trials

I do not skip over hard times in my life when telling my life story because I am afraid of what you will think or otherwise. I skip over them because I do not want them to be the defining points of my life. Yes, I agree I have grown through them and others associate more through hardship than anything else. It is just I want to be known for the great things that have happened to me or that I have been able to do. If asked, I will tell without hesitation or restraint. Also, if I think that it could help someone in any way, then I will also tell that story. Maybe avoidance isn't healthy but I think avoidance that comes from fear or because you don't want to deal with it is unhealthy. Re-framing of the situation to is completely different. I have just realized yet again how different I am from many of the people that I know. I would like to be able to understand and choose the best. Having balance in everything.

I want to throw out a quick thanks to a whole lot of people who have had any contact with me at all. Whether you know me or are a person who has passed me on the street that I will never see again. I have been impacted so many times over the past month, it is crazy. So thank you.

Thinking = Mouse Wheel

So I just typed, "I am thinking myself into a hole." Then I deleted it because I am not thinking myself into a hole. I am already in a hole and I am trying to think my way out of it. Yet, I am not going anywhere. I am so stretched/tired that my thoughts aren't effective. Hence: no blogging, no intentional conversations, and no advice. A large part of me feels sick at being in this state. On the other hand though, a growing part of me enjoys not 'trying' to be intentional with my time with people and just allow good timing to rule. This has served me decently well so far and I will let you know how 'it all' turns out. How are you? I want to know your stories. After a quick number crunch, I believe that my gmail account that is in my profile page can hold about 50 million good sized emails. So, email away. I'd like to read. I'd like to know.

Baseball

I have been hesitating to use an analogy because I think it is over simplified and does not convey the basic point that I want to get across. Then, I got to share it last night with a friend and she understood liked it, so here we go.

Sometimes I feel like the world is like baseball. If I don't understand any of the rules: where to stand, why to even try to hit the ball, whom to throw to and when, or what the little white squares are for; then the entire thing seems confusing, uninteresting, and almost scary. I mean, you can get along by learning to try and catch the ball anytime it is in the air. Or when you see someone running their heart out and you have the ball, to throw it to the guy calling for it. So you can skim by but understanding rules eventually means to be the 1st baseman giving off the right signals to the new people on the field to throw the ball to you.

Now the game is 'making sense'. You aren't sure why we are playing in the first place but you understand how to 'make it'. But this isn't all.

Many that I know or have met are still 'skimming by' in the game and some are playing fully and there are a few who are all-stars. There is still something more. Just by being in it for a certain amount of time you begin to realize that there is something else going on. You think you have a situation or at bat under control. You think that it is just any other at bat. Then, out of no where you get out and you can't understand how you 'screwed it up'. You see these other people who are on the sidelines observing and making weird motions.

Then you ask. You get turned down. You ask. You get turned down. Then either you ask again and they help you understand or you have an epiphany. There is strategy behind all of this?! There is a bigger goal than just getting people out? There is a bigger goal than just ME getting on and around the bases? Oh what?! I should sacrifice my chance this time up to help that guy on the white bag all the way over there to score?? Why should I do that?

After all these things are asked then comes the beauty that only comes with understanding, clarity, and humbleness. You understand so much now and you are thankful for being able to see how complex it is. It is so complex and you could never understand all of the intricacies of it. Weird paradox but you begin to see the real beauty that had gone unseen for so long. These few are the lucky few.

Your motions seem like no sense and no one outside of that knowledge understands why, what, or how you do it all. Then, there is me, as a normal player. One that has a natural love for the game. I am honestly glad that I even get to be on the field and smell the grass. How much more great will it be when the period in my life comes where I am the guy on the sidelines: watching, enjoying, and making crazy motions. All done with a smile on my face.

Words and Phrases

This weekend was great and tiring. I choose to be tired because I choose to be busy. I heard some great thoughts this weekend that sparked my thought train engine and I could hardly sleep. That makes you tired also.

The first was on Friday night when a man who worked for Delta said, "You spend half of your life trying to get somewhere and the other half getting back. How awesomely blessed am I to have realized the importance of finding out what I really want to chase before I start the great quest. This realization has come through the foresight and hindsight of friends and not from any thought process of my own.

I am having a hard time with many things right now. Most are thoughts that people accept, some are sins, and some are my own feelings. I can't help but want to take action on what I feel.

Today is frustrating because of my last sentence and also because I can not remember many of the thoughts that were triggered this week. I think I am trying to use it as an excuse to get my internet back. So, I honestly need to start typing them over the weekend.

Edited: You have to see this.

Very Short....

The majority of the time I feel like I can blend in but then people prove to me that a am made sick by what they feel is the norm. I honestly felt sick to my stomach. Wow.

Making the case for the good guy.

It is a known fact that the average woman matures faster than the average man. One book even says, "They [Women] mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults." This is true to a point. The point that I see this ending at is in what women look for in a man. At this point, women need to grow up.

I do not mean to make enemies here with any woman, the Lord knows not to do something as foolish as that. This is just an observation that I hope does not come across in a mean or insensitive way.

90% of the women that I have met in my entire life do not know what they want in a man. Even the ones that have big lists of what they want in a man, still have no idea. The most common point is the split between wanting the 'bad boy' or the 'good guy'. Women grow up thinking that they want to feel sexy and the bad boy provides that for them. There is a huge difference between wanting to be sexy and wanting to be desired. Desired is a healthy and stronger feeling that comes as a sort of package deal with being truly loved. Why wouldn't a woman want to be desired fully by one man that have a few temporary looks from a few boys?

I have a hard time understanding this. If there is a guy who can please you sexually but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually then why would you want him? Do you think that the man who can please you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually can't please you sexually? I assure you that he can, but even if he couldn't, would you still choose the former over the latter? I am not sure why I even posed that question because it is irrelevant. The man that has a true love for you will be a 'good guy' and that love will be so intense that there is no way that any part of you won't be pleased.

So, to me, choosing the 'bad boy' is like going on a world tour and only going to see the world's largest ball of twine. It isn't even worth the trip. I mean, you get up every day, put in a quarter, and get a short thrill of, "I am staying at the world's largest ball of twine." But you will never feel the spiritual depth of seeing the grand canyon. You will never be moved by the emotional intensity of the aurora borealis. You will never feel as sought after and cherished as a lion does his kill. You will never be able to enjoy the complexities of mental stretching and strengthening of your dinner table talks.

Why would you ever choose the 'bad boy'? I do not know. Even some women I know that are in their mid 30s still feel like they are "settling" or "lowering their standards" to date a 'good guy'. Grow up and realize that a relationship with a good man is the only relationship you would ever want and can experience anything worth while in.

I think I think too much.

I think I think so much I over think it. Maybe I don't over think it and I think about it just enough. Which happens to be more than others think about it. Almost like that line, "people who feel insane are just the few sane in an insane world."

So there are things that I 'need' to be OK with and there are things that I 'should' be OK with. I am having a hard time determining which is which. To explain, let's say something happens to me that prompts me to feel hurt/upset/frustrated/annoyed. At this time I deal with my feelings at the time in a way that helps me deal with the situation. Then after that, when I have my thinking time, I go back over my day and try to figure out where to go from where I am at that moment. Then I think about this situation. Here is my issue: Is this situation a thing that I 'need' to be OK with or that I 'should' be OK with. If it is just me being immature or short sighted, I 'NEED' to grow and deal with it. But if it is me being exactly where my heart and mind should be, sane in an insane world, I don't want to be OK with it or let it slide just because I 'SHOULD'.

I really hope this thought line is able to be followed because I believe that it is incredibly important and not readily addressed. How many times has someone said, "that is just the way things are. deal with it."? Yes, perhaps that is the way things are but it is not the way things should be. I will not just deal with it. I will not sit by and just be OK with it, I want to change it. Why accept this approach and give up on what your heart is telling you just because it is the way others approach it?

Balance comes up yet again. I want it because it is the best way. Discernment is a skill that I need to fine tune before balance in this matter will even be an option for me.

Change of Approach

It took weeks for blogging to become a habit. Every night I would sit down and think about all the things I need to do and then all the things I want to do then add blogging to that list. Then I would write in my stream of conscious about everything I was feeling and/or thinking. Now this approach will have to change. I canceled my internet over this past weekend for many reasons. Sorry World of Warcraft. One being it was always down anyways. So now I have to post the blog at the office. I do not have the time to go into everything that I'd like to when blogging at the office. So here is my solution: I will continue to blog at home but into a word document. Then, I will put this file onto a mass storage drive to bring into the office every morning and post it before work begins. The "post time" will be the time and date that I typed the post. Now I feel like they added the feature to change that option just for this reason. Most likely not but it is still nice.

I have gotten a few messages asking about the smitteness (I think I just created a new word) of myself, who the girl is that is being smitten over, and for an update on the situation. Well first, I would update if anything were worth updating. Two, there are other things to be talked about and said. Three, it is over and done.

So, someone said yesterday about a very hard situation, "That is all the good that can come of that." I disagree. I do not know what other good could come of that situation and if I sat and thought about it for years I still wouldn't know. But, who are we to determine or limit what good can come of the worst situation just because we are blind to it. I am thankful that the world is so much bigger and more complex than I can comprehend and also the fact that it is even possible for great things to come out of these situations.

I will post more often and longer now that I have a system for actually getting it to you.