Full Semi-Circle

Things hardly come full circle. More like a suspension bridge. Your life's character arc continuing with little leap backs often to support you in the growth across the expanse that is circumstance.

How many others have toiled in the night like this? When I look around it seems that it is not many because of the shallow disposition of the world. Though I know that many have before. Now it is just electronic. What causes the difference between the introspective and the world changer?

Pay attention because all that you have worked for could be taken away in an instant. Why can't we change instantly for the better. We seem to do it for the worse through anger, envy, or some other flaw. What about a rewiring of how one thinks to rid them self of the ingrained wound that fails so often and easily?

My stances on things change. As I learn, it would be foolish to not adopt the most correct thought. If we did not, textbooks would still teach that the world is flat. Also, these decisions create a baseline to make assumptions from that facilitate an efficient life. When should I question my stances though? Everyday? (Impossible) Only when I stumble upon new information? (Pure chance) When friends challenge my stance with a better argument and more information? (Trusting in others for my own revitalizing) And I only am searching for what I have not yet found my stance.

Time for me to rewire.

Ying-Yang

The discussion around Ying and Yang is one of the most beaten dead horses. I'm still going to write about it. Hopefully in a way new to the ones reading and writing this blog.

My understanding of Ying and Yang can be summed up quite quickly. Comparison is required. If you have read my previous posts about value, then you will have read that I believe that we as humans have no understanding of true value. It is all based off of something else in comparison. This directly relates to my understanding of Ying-Yang. There is no light without dark, no good without bad, etc. Opposing forces basically create the opposite's existence. The extension that I struggle to follow is not only is the opposite force is not only opposing but also within.

For instance if I am pushing against a big block. I put 50kilograms of pressure against it without it moving. Obviously the friction of the block on the ground is strong enough to keep it in place. I push against it and it pushes back. Ying and Yang. I stop pushing and in turn it stops pushing. The opposing force diminishes exactly as the initial force diminishes. Is there a part of the block that wants to move the way I am pushing? Is there a part of me that wants the block to stay put? I'm unsure if this can be applied across the board. Some would argue that it is not meant to be and others would.

Let me talk about one faucet that is referenced often. Yin/Black/Shady/North will play the part of evil. Yang/White/Sunshine/South will play the part of good. What is the consequence on the universe if there is ever a man that does not have any evil in him. The Yin inside could be the temptation but there is no balance within him. Does he then become in balance with the world? The world being Yin and him being Yang? Is the world intrinsically evil? I think/hope not. Maybe the Ying/Yang instead become chance and intention.

Identity Proclaiming

Oft do I see cars with the evidence of bumper stickers past. These faded, half removed, and circles of residue speak to former passions of the driver. Lately I have noticed a trend in a few of the collections of poems read in spare time. If a poet releases a collection early in life, this collection proclaims in a way who the person is or what they stand for at the time. Then later in life the poet releases a new collection that declares a new identity and reject the old.

By no means am I saying that the above progression from one stance to another is bad or incorrect. Growth, change, and progression (hopefully forwards) are important and arguably required. What baffles me is the desire of so many to proclaim their identity. Declaring a view or a state for seemingly no other reason besides the fact that it is what is currently believed.

When this applies to one's own state, view, or belief I can understand in part. That being said, the larger of the parts reasons that these are likely to change and should not be proclaimed so strongly. Speaking to one's understanding or the world, this too seems destined to change. The scientific community has been incorrect about many many things and still have many "unexplainables" left lingering that do not fit into our current theories or understandings of how our universe works.

So for someone to claim that a male and female pair every animal on earth (besides the ones that were too big or mean) lined up and walked onto a big boat to escape a flood is just as outrages as someone explaining the horizon problem by saying that matter just 'moved really fast' (faster than the speed of light) immediately after the big bang. Both seem ludicrous to me and warrant a new oncoming knowledge to come and debunk what I current believe and know.

So why proclaim what I believe or understand so far so strongly? Sadly this proclamation is normally accompanied by a hard heart and a closed mind. Can we not fear, stop clinging to thoughts/beliefs for peace, and be comfortable being unsure of anything? You tell me.

Money: Part 1 - Value

Money is such an interesting topic that it warrants two posts (probably more). The best place to start could be back at the beginning. When people first started making coins. Wait. Let's go back further. The first time someone that something was beautiful, useful, or rare. Now this thing has value. This is where I think all the issues begin because something has gained value from another motive than solely out of necessity. Here enters money.

We use something that is cheap to produce but represents purchasing power instead of always resulting to a true bartering system. Now instead of only coveting items that other people own, we covet the money to buy those items as well. The goal has even shifted. Are we really amassing money for a specific object or just to amass money for "whatever we want"?

No value on an item is totally stable and safe. The value of money of a government can obviously fall. The value of something in the public eye can change or drop. Rarely do these prices come back to actual supply and demand.

Redemption

Defining redemption is a difficult task. 1) An act of redeeming or the state of being redeemed. 2) Atonement for guilt. Both eventually get to the same phrase via the word redeem or atonement. This phase is "to make amends" for guilt, a fault, or a shortcoming.

Take the South Korean swimmer Park Tae-hwan. In the Olympics in 2004, he dove into the pool a fraction of a second too early and was disqualified. Fast forward through four years of guilt and intense training. The year is 2008. The location is in Beijing, China. Park stands beside the pool about to begin the Men's 400m Freestyle final. He has already passed multiple tests in order to get to this point but none of that matters now. All that really matters is the next 400 meters.

I could begin writing about the rest of the things I want to discuss to build suspense and eventually end the story in a very cinematic way. Instead, I'll just tell you that he won the gold metal. Ta-da. Even with my horrible ending it is still a great story of redemption.

If a man kills someone, how can he redeem himself? By having remorse, never doing it again, and then saving an innocent person? Does all redemption deal with other people? What if there were only two people left on earth and one kills the other. Is there any thing that the murderer can do to redeem himself?

Blogging

Writing has often been a therapeutic experience for me. It could be in a journal or in imaginary lines with my finger one word at a time. For me though, there is really two kinds of writing. One being stream of consciousness and the other being tested thought. Most of my writings in my journals in the past has been entirely stream of consciousness where I am working through something as I write.

Then came blogging. All neat with no paper. Searchable (not a word but I like it). Sortable. Editable. I mean, how could anyone with a desire to write resist? Except now there is another variable. Other people can now read what I am thinking. Some people get a rise out of this looming idea. "Someone out 'there' could be reading what I'm writing", they say. Others simply turn off the ability for anyone to see but themselves.

Again I find myself in the middle. The fact that my friends have the ability to read and vet my thoughts is invaluable to me. At the same time, I have thoughts that I have yet to decide anything on and almost need to write them out so I can work through my own thought process.

So I have decided to change my standards for this blog and write stream of consciousness again. This could result in more ignorant thoughts to be presented but I am fine with that because it is a part of my process. Also friends can now read and respond with new thoughts, criticisms, and possible directions without me having to walk through where I am at with them personally. Hopefully this is once again increase the frequency on posts.

Tick Tock

Today I am wondering what makes me tick. Is it repetition, conditioning, or something else? [20 minutes pass] Just now I have determined yet again that it is the small things in the day that cause me to get up and do it again. [10 minutes later] I just wrote an entire post and deleted it because I believe that I have written about it before.

How many times have I needed to reiterate ideas, thoughts, convictions, purpose, and conclusions to myself? Many times over and over. Is this a doubt in and of myself? Is it a healthy cycle of questioning the correct items? Perhaps, the growth cycle seems large but is slow moving forward. Is it that the thought doesn't sink into my subconscious and is forgotten?

Time for me to get over myself. I have a feeling that about 80,000 people are probably dead in China from the earthquake. I have a feeling that 100,000 people are dead or are going to die in Myanmar (Burma) but that the military junta is hiding it. Even more unknown number in Darfur are suffering daily. How small and also how large each life is valued.

"A single death is a tragedy, are million deaths is a statistic." - Stalin
I'd like to rewrite this now, "A single death is a tragedy, are million deaths is a atrocity." I say "atrocity" because many times the million can be avoided and limited. So much death that happens day to day could be avoided. What am I doing?
First, I am trying to share my ideas and values because movements start with beliefs on a subject.

Give money for Myanmar.

Both Oxfam and Triangle Generation Humanitaire (TGH) are doing great things all over. Personally, I believe these two NGOs are making the largest impact of the Darfur situation and in the refugee camps in Chad. Water is still the biggest need.

Go to Oxfam's volunteer page.

Live healthy; which includes helping people.

Untested, mother approved.

So, I am beginning to worry that I am typing out ignorant thought. In the grand scheme of things, we know nothing but everything is to be revealed. Still, I'd rather be at least on the correct track. Untested thought though is inherently incorrect. Obviously I test it myself to gain some since of direction from known boundaries but the possibilities left still seem limitless.

No point in getting too down on myself though. Even Einstein didn't get it right on the first shot. I wonder how many theories he had before he got into the meat of his research. Or how many times it evolved.

People are incredibly interesting because they are a completely different person. Then to increase this, they also bring this completely different perspective on the world. Expressing apparently simple ideas that revolutionize the most complicated of theories.

What amazes me though, is how accepted it is to believe in untested thoughts wholeheartedly. Even to go as far as to teach these thoughts. Hear is where I begin to fight myself though. Is it the teacher's fault for having untested thought or is it mine for not testing his/her thought? How does the teacher know when the thought is tested enough to teach? Is it "ready" when no one in the crowd knows the thought it wrong? That last question sounds so counter intuitive; thought would only be discussed among people who aren't as far along as the teacher.

The chance to be incorrect must be taken. The feedback on what is said must be efficient and then corrected to whomever was taught? Wouldn't this cause the same topic to be taught and corrected for many cycles? Or should the responsibility again fall on the class attendees to seek the most correct? I am unsure.

Time for my broad "easy" answer: balance. The responsibility is shared. The teacher is supposed to teach the most correct idea possible or the current understanding of humans as of today. Then the responsibility to push the thought forward is the class attendees. This should be the expectation of every person.

Impact

Experiment time. Take an object that has ten kilograms of mass. Lift it to a height of one meter. Then, drop it. The impact that is made is consolidated and strong. Now break that ten kilogram object apart to create ten equal sized one kilogram objects. Take them all to a height of one meter and drop them. The impact as a cumulative whole is the same but now it hits in ten places with one tenth of the impact at each individual place.

Lets abstract this back to people and see how the impact is spread. I am the object. I have ten hours of time to spend. If I spend all ten on one person the impact of that one person is significant. The relationship grows and I invest heavily on that one person. Now lets say that I split my ten hours up between ten different people. Yes I spend time with more different people but the impact is lessened. Do I still have the same cumulative impact? I am beginning to believe that the cumulative impact is lessened because of people's perceptions of worth.

When someone invites me to go spend time with them at nearly any activity, I get excited. I feel valued. Then when I find out that the same blanket message was sent to nine other people, I feel like a number instead of a person. Personally, I normally completely shy away from any activity where I am spending time with someone in a confined time frame of less than one hour. The impact is so small and shallow, I'd rather spend the time alone.

Doubt

To jump right into it, is it possible that everything that is possible happens? In a quantum world, the possibilities happen for sure but do the outcomes of the possibilities happen just in different universes? If so then all things that have happened to me and been coincidental happen in the universe I am in but in others they didn't occur what so ever. I wonder what my views are in those universes...

Things that are impossible however do not happen. Such as a whale falling on my head right now. That is impossible but where is this line drawn between possible and impossible? Is it impossible for something to come from nothing? If so then is the Big Bang impossible? Because if so, even with every possibility happening, I still wouldn't be here.

All that being said, I'm glad I am in the one that I am in. A part of me is sad for the other me-s in other universes. They probably aren't remotely as happy as I am. There is probably another one of me in another universe writing a much more sad blog, wishing he were in another universe.

Sucker.

Affinity

Attraction is an interesting thing. At certain times, you know exactly how you feel and others it seems scattered. But finally I think I have figured out at least a small part of it.

Anyone whom has been in a serious relationship can tell you that the most important part of the attraction is an attraction to who they are as a person and not what they look like. The attraction to their lifestyle, habits, and quirks.

Towards the end of the Dark Ages men found overweight women with pale skin attractive. They were found attractive because this meant that they were well fed (not starving) and had plenty of money (did not have to work outside at all).

Taking this information into account, I am beginning to believe that the majority (not all) of the first "attraction" feelings you feel are actually an affinity for how they live. From how they look you draw this "assumed life" that is what you actually find attractive. Most of the "physical" attractions are actually sparking associations to lifestyle traits or habits that you have an affinity towards.

It isn't the tan that you are attracted to it is the association that the tan has to: time to lay out by the pool or the fact that they are outside a lot. It isn't the clothes that you are attracted to it is the association that the clothes have to: how 'put together' the person is, how much money the person has, or what kind of music they listen to.

All that being said, there is a raw physical attraction to symmetry and other wants such are protection or reproduction. These are basic and small compared to the complex feelings, wants, and needs that are a necessity to a healthy relationship.

Grow up, find out what you want, then that is what becomes attractive instead of what society places importance on.

Afraid or Fascinated?

There has been this interesting relationship that I have noticed lately. When people do not understand something, it either becomes a source of fear or causes infatuation. Depending on which emotion is caused by the unknown also partially determines the period of time that it last. The fear seems to last very long but the fascination is exactly what infatuation is: extravagant short-lived passion. The latter wants to know everything about the unknown but quickly becomes bored with it. The former is afraid and will constantly stay fearful. Either they do not know anything about the unknown or believe things that are extremes or untrue.

For instance: Lions - if I know nothing or little about them besides that they can kill people and they hunt at night, I'd be afraid every night in my parking lot on the way home. Stupid but logical from the limited knowledge viewpoint. It only becomes illogical if you know that lions are not on the same continent but still cause you to be fearful of attack in the parking lot. Better to be fascinated.

Progression

Progression is this oddly satisfying event. Nearly every time that progression occurs in others, work, a long road trip, a roller coaster ride, or even eating a meal the forward progression in and of itself is satisfying. Yes, the actual growth is great. Yes, the people and making money at the job is great also. Yes, seeing what I see on the long trip and finally getting to the destination is great as well. All that being said, the progression alone, just the transition of things from where they were to where they are is satisfying to me.

Now I am unsure if this is a humanly innate desire to have things progress or if it is just myself. If it is a feeling everyone has, why does it always seem to stop short? Just being alive and allowing time to pass is a progression in itself. Shouldn't this inherent happiness also stem from our inherent state of being alive because of this progression? Yes you are alive to spend time with family, spend time with friends, see things truly majestic, improve other people's lives, experience rich and deeply connected emotions, feel the wind, taste the corners of the earth. When all that is stripped away though, there is still this progression of life and time that should help push us along.

Not sure where this is for many people or how to 'tap into it' to let them know. Where were you? Where are you?

Situational Evidence

Some evidence seems always evident. Almost as if it never changes. Then other evidence seems as if it changes with thoughts and feelings or can not be determined until experienced.

Let's say that I start to not like an activity that I used to enjoy greatly. The activity hasn't changed. The same attributes that were there in the beginning that I found attractive are still there but those attributes are seen in a different light.

The main reason that is leaned on to for a reason to quit is "It just isn't attractive to me any longer." This is not the real reason though. What causes it to become unattractive is the true reason that you want to quit.

The interesting thing here is that when the true reason is identified, it becomes something to be conquered as an obstacle instead of an obligatory feeling that can't be overcome.

Some issues and evidence though can not be determined beforehand because it is situational evidence. The evidence that you are looking for is in experiencing it. "Do I like this food?" I have no idea because I haven't experienced it and no one can tell me if I will or won't enjoy it.

Go experience the evidence of how great everything truly is and find out the real obstacles in your life.

Bad Day Entitlement

This blog has been written and rewritten many times over because I feel so strongly about this that I cannot seem to put it into words.

When a person feels entitlement, then I feel that there is an issue. Entitlement in the sense of that someone feels that that deserve or have the right to something over someone else. Or even that they should have the right to do something because of what someone else has done.

I am coming to figure out that my issue is not with people actually having entitlement it is an acquired entitlement because of the actions of someone else with which I have my issue.

To talk to the 'assuming undeserving' (which is myself at time): we need to gain perspective. No more feelings of entitlement because of what someone has done to us, how bad of a day we have had, or otherwise.

I have seen too many unhealthy relationships where one party makes a mistake and now the other feels entitled to make transgressions now as long as it isn't as bad as what the other did. Example: "Why are you getting mad at me for lying to you when you lied and cheated?" One person's actions should not change your own standards. Comparison between people is one of the worst phenomenon to plague mankind. Comparison should only be between yourself in the past, yourself now, and where you want yourself to be in the future.

Also, when we begin to have a bad day, we feel this sense of entitlement. "Everyone should be nice to us because we are having a bad day." A complete loss of perspective. Even when we are in this 'bad day state' we still impact everything around us. We still are blessed. What? You think not? Your breathing, right?

Drop in a ocean or a tidal wave?

An interesting research topic of mine recently has been Movements in history. Still I cannot seem to pin down a wide ranging cause or catalyst. Some were caused by previous wars that brought entire regions into poverty. Others by a single person who viewed the world differently than it currently was and then many people began to think the same way. Either or any way, Movements appear to happen much more in the past. A part of me is beginning to think that it was because the people at the time had a little sight when it came to the world as a whole. They would only see what was in their town or area. Rarely their country. Even more so, how their country ran compared to others. A person would be born and live and die without meeting anyone from outside of the town in which they were born. So bringing these ideas were nearly always revolutionary. Now the the world is a very global society, we see this information so often that it comes in smaller bits of information instead of all at once. This is slightly frightening to me because we might get to a worse state than people as a whole have gotten to in the past. So instead of seeing the whole cake at once and realizing how bad it is for us, we break it down and take a daily amount of change that is much easier for us to swallow.

I want to be part of a movement.

Dynamite? Seriously?

Time is this interesting value that we attempt to gain more of but must spend it as it is gained. There is no saving or storing of time. It must be use as soon as it is received. So, I must chose to spend more of it blogging instead of just thinking about blogging. I think a thought and say to myself, I'm going to blog about that' and then I don't. When in the past I had trouble getting thoughts out of my head; now it seem almost as if just the thought of blogging about it gets it out of my head. Posting it on the blog in my mind. A mental state of letting go. Since I am here and have thoughts I decided to write.

Perception, assumption, and then expectation. This is my cycle. How I survive day to day with in the laws that the world is given by. But daily I am reminded to not apply this structure to people. One of the ways I am reminded is because someone does it to me. Overall, I'm a nice guy. Sometimes too nice for my own good and the good of my dating life. So that is what others perceive me as. Then they assume that it applies to all times and to all people. Then they expect it.

I decide little on the spot or at the moment unless the situation is dire and requires it. Normally I come to a realization that I do not really enjoy spending time around someone when I am in a time of reflection on my own. An example is a person that I do not like being around because of how their humor is demeaning. Poking fun is ok because it is light hearted and a one time thing but when a person's entire form of communication is this way it becomes tiresome.

Then a time comes when this person continues this 'humor' with me after I have already decided previously that I don't enjoy their company and I give them the cold shoulder. Then they completely shut down and say that I'm being mean. Really? That is a little overkill, yes? Like dynamite to open a stuck lid on a jar of strawberry jam. Really? You waste whatever chance you had at tasting the jelly (my friendship) when you over reacted with dynamite.

'Taking a break' is for the unhappy. Allowing yourself the choice to go back and to change what has happened is unhealthy and makes you unhappy. It is far better to write down your reasoning for doing something and then move on. If you ever start to fall into the 'grass is greener' trap just go look but at your reasoning for leaving. You will not attempt to reopen the option after you remember the many many reason you made the change in the first place.

Someone called me a PC the other day. Yes this person is an intellectual (extreme geek). I asked, 'why?' "Well others are very specified and are good at what they do. Like a Mac. But you, do everything alright but are horrible at drawing pretty pictures." they replied. In disbelief my feeling resulted to defensive and I exclaimed, "I can draw things well! I just need to look at them and break it down into smaller, repeatable sections." Promptly they replied, "Exactly."