Finishing the Year Strong

This is the first post from my new apartment. Actually this is the first post ever from my place of residence. I have until now been at a friend's place or gotten into the office early just to be able to write. So in honor of that and to end the year strong I have five quick thoughts that have been stirring in my head.

No movement without resistance? The TV show 'The Magic School Bus' had an episode that got me excited about physics at an early age. This episode had the kids and the bus in a 'frictionless' pinball machine bouncing around indefinitely. Scary and exciting all at the same time.... Alright back to the present.
In the world though, there is no movement without friction. [Caveat: When certain things get near absolute zero the electrons in them technically 'blur' into the Bose-Einstein state causing electricity to travel through with no friction. But this is 4.3 degrees Celsius or something above absolute zero. A extremely rare and highly unlikely state.] Well, I should say, "In the world though, nearly everything that moves causes friction."
Why then do we get so discouraged when we attempt to change something in our life (make a 'move') and feel friction? What do we expect; to glide along into it effortlessly? Friction is a natural reaction to change. Do not be discouraged or surprised when it happens. Continue on. This does be the question though. Where do we get this expectation of automatic occurrence?

Attacking infinites. Have you heard the argument that 'it always gets worse before it gets better'? Well as I perfectly demonstrated in the last point that an thought that contains an infinite, even a discrete one, is nearly impossible to argue into the end zone of correctness. This common saying proves my point. When an infinite is placed on one end of an argument the opposite must be placed on the other. So, if is 'always gets worse before it gets better' then it 'never gets better'. Since I have seen things get better then obviously this is incorrect. Infinites bug me. Especially how we use them so much to describe things that are not.

Day significance. I have spent so many days in my life completely by myself. Either immersed in a book, surrounded by nature, lost in thought. I was by myself without thinking twice about it. Then when I am alone on Christmas it affects me in the most unexpected ways. Is this minute any different that the minutes in the past? I am a different person but is my state the same? Is my environment the same? The day is the difference and this difference causes emotions. It was weird to me at first. Then I started to think, 'What would I do any other day that I am alone?' Read, write, watch TV, jog, think, game. After doing these the day still had significance and still caused these emotions. Think it was the bad TV shows or something more?

Matching volume, sound for sound. One of the great speakers that I have the privilege to listen to did the most incredible thing the other day. The talk went for more than an hour. Then a video break occurred. The crowd couldn't gather back its focus. Small conversations were popping up every where. People started rustling their purses and umbrellas in preparation of their departure. I was doing it too. He was speaking into a microphone. So, I could still hear him and so could everyone else. I mean why not?
Then he did it. He paused for a moment and then began to talk very softly. Instantly the rustling stopped. The conversations halted. The silence was incredible. I believe a baby even stopped bellowing its demon evoking screeches.
I have never seen this approach before, especially in public speaking. Talking softer so that people can hear you better. I believe that there are two other paths here. He could have attacked it directly and said, "Please pay attention to me for five more minutes." Or he could have tried to beat us at our own game and just gotten louder and louder. These are the two approaches I have seen many times. Neither of which seem to work very well.
Take this as deep down the fox hole as you wish. Personally I am taking it down a long philosophy hole that seems to apply to economics, war, approach, and communication on its basic levels. Maybe the best approach is the opposite because it causes the same reaction as your action?

Good thing... bad thing... both? Events in my life seem so dynamic. For instance, moving into this apartment. Right now it seems like the right thing to do. But let us just say that in a week a place crashes into my bedroom as I am sleeping at night. Well then we all see that it was a bad thing to do. Hence the saying, "Hindsight is 20/20".
Jumping back to a previous post about how 'looking is seeing', keeping an open eye to the world to see these decisions or things is important. Seeing these decisions or things is the first step.
The second step is determining if the decision or thing is 'bad' or 'good'. I take comfort in my decisions because I trust myself. I trust that I made the best choice that I could with the information that I had at the time. So this becomes a non-issue.
The "Hindsight is 20/20" saying is so great because there is so much truth in it but I still think not enough. What if after the plane crash killed me a little kid needed my heart and it was still usable. The kid gets it and has a long and fulfilling life? Now it was a good choice again? Perhaps the saying should go more like, "Nothing is ever 20/20". I think that things don't just switch one time but are instead constantly teetering between the two. Switching back and forth at a moments notice, without notice. Sometimes even seemingly without cause. Being prepared and open to this change is the third and most important step. These changes will occur without your consent or control. Kind of upset? Seek balance and that too will change.

Same world, Different universe.

There happens to be three blogs that I have thought through completely but haven't had time to write them down. They are all good so get excited. The first that I post (below) is the last that I thought of but since it is context sensitive it will be posted first.

As of late there have been some things that have happened in the world that have kind of shocked me. Shocked me because my culture is different. Personally I can't imagine an assassination attempt on one presidential candidate and an actual successful assassination on another withing the same week. Even in the same decade. Is it because of some specific reason involved in culture culture? Possibly because murder of a public figure is much more looked down upon than murder for selfish reasons or in a fit of rage? Maybe because 'civic unrest' is much more feared and in turn the 'structure/order of society' is much more protected? Honestly I do not know. It could be because of culture. It could be because of the state of a society.

Sometimes things happen that are so outside of my experiences and mentality that it is hard for me to understand. It seems like an entirely different universe. Then, I remember that we are all in the same world. So, here I am trying to figure it out and understand. If you beat me to it, let me in on the secret.

Looking is seeing.

I heard a long time ago that "perception is everything." I have never argued this. Perception can change completely what happens to you. The two ways that I have applied this in the past have been in the modification of what is seen or experienced and the translation of what is seen or experienced.

Modification of what is seen or experienced:
This is what the US court system runs into daily. There are three eye witnesses to a carjacking. One person sees the car as being red, one sees it as blue, and still the other sees green.
Translation of what is seen or experienced:
This is how someone takes of handles a situation. If someone criticizes me: I can take is negatively, get upset, and debate giving up or I can take it as a tip, get happy that they care enough to criticize me, and become motivated to do better. The experience has not changed at all but the outcome can be extremely different.

So, for a long time these were the only two 'abilities of perception' I lumped together. Just yesterday though, I realized yet another to add to this.
Selective Seeing of what is seen or experienced.
Many years ago I realized that I started to see more of something when I began looking for it. For instance, I want to buy a certain kind of car. All of a sudden I start to see this car everywhere I go. Makes me wonder what I miss because I am not looking for it. Should I see it if I am not looking for it though? Is it a automatic defense system to not allow certain things to happen or be seen until I am ready and looking?
This last thing is the most intriguing to me out of the three. Mostly because it seems to be at the top of the ladder; the first filter.
The new thing is that I have never included this last one into the big bucket of 'perception'. Now it effects what is seen, the attributes of what is seen, and then how it is seen. Pretty insane how different the world could be after these three filters.

Dancing with people

Some of my friends have never enjoyed dancing. Now that I really sit and think about it, I have a few that I have never seen dance. One of the things that I have said in the past to try and convince someone to dance is, "what makes you good is that you are out there (on the dance floor)." Obviously there are different levels of coordination but when it comes to what 'dance' is, just go for it. Dance = excited movement that is compelled by a larger source. For instance: "the boats danced on the waves as the storm rolled through". Or, "he danced". Being compelled to make movements by an emotion. I see this as being one of the best forms of communication to show who you are. this is clearly visible in small children. Some wobble, some bounce, and some just clap. All show their true emotion naturally funneled into physical movements; not confined by certain dance steps. [To cover the professional dancers tat read this, small chance that any read this but just in case, I am not saying that dances to steps cannot have emotion because they can.]

In my life I find myself dancing this very choreographed dance with people. This dance of relationship involves tempering myself and 'looking cool' in order to keep them dancing with me. At times I even tire solely at the thought of having to do this dance. When this occurs, I don't even get onto the dance floor. Sometimes I tell myself to dance my dance, the type of dance that I would when I was a little kid and completely be myself. Then everyone gets scared and stops dancing besides my two best friends that I have been on the floor with since 5th grade. I don't want to temper myself because I feel like I am not being truly me, but also at the same time these fine tuned movements are part of my growth. Not only in knowing the steps but the physical ability to perform them. Where does growth in this arena of relationships begin? Where do you begin to lose yourself and start to handle people instead of connect with them? I do not know either. What I do know is that I like the way I dance.

See you out on the floor.

Responsibility by Capability

Responsibility and how we feel about it have an interesting relationship. I have attempted to shorten this to 'Responsibility by Capability'. I have found that we usually analyze the capability and then determine our feeling off of that.

Examples:

I have an apartment by myself. A person comes over for dinner. The next day I have to do all the dishes by myself. I am fine with that because it isn't the guest's responsibility to do the dishes. I actually don't even think about why they didn't wash them. I just wash them because it is my responsibility.

I have an apartment with a flatmate. This person is very artistic but does not have the technical ability to change the channel on the television. I will not ask them to fix the computer. Even if we both use it. It is just as much their responsibility as mine but they do not have the capability to fix it.

/Examples

If the responsibility is not there then naturally the responsibility is not expected to be fulfilled. If the capability is lacking then the responsibility is still not expected to be fulfilled. The issue occurs when both the responsibility is there and capability to fulfill that responsibility are both present. We logically conclude that the person should fulfill the responsibility and then become upset when it is not. Currently I incorrectly estimate people's capabilities. Also, I assign responsibilities to people which they do not assign to themselves. Believe it or not some flatmates do not think that it is ever their responsibility to ever do any dishes. Communication on these two points will make every close relationship run smoother. After the understanding of responsibilities and capabilities is in place, decisions can be made regarding the other with minimal consequence. A large part then runs like a well oiled machine.

Emotional influence.

I'd like to continue the 'impact' conversation from yesterday. The impact that emotions have in our lives is incredible. Something occurs in our life either traumatic or great and the emotion that we take on from that incident changes our entire life. This is interesting because the impact of the actual event in itself is limited to the physical. Then this physical causes an emotion effect. Then this emotional effect causes another physical effect on the other side. My words are becoming twisted since this thought is being thought out as I type it. We (humans) are almost like a transitional vehicle for a change to have much wider effects. I think an example would be best.

A girl and guy are walking. They walk beneath a tree and the guy jumps and pulls on it. Leaves and sticks start falling out all over the girl. They keep walking and talking. The physical action is completed. The effect of the guy pulling on it is through. Yes the leaves and sticks that have fallen could change the future because now someone might have to sweep the sidewalk, etc. All of those effects though are connected to the actual physical action. Well the girl really hates leaves and sticks in her hair. A week later the girl is walking past the same tree and is reminded of it. She not only avoids walking under the tree but goes home and throws away everything that reminds her of him. This causes him to come by and bang on the door. Causes things to be thrown across the room. Now all of these other physical effect trains have begun which technically all stem from this one event that is not physically linked what-so-ever.

The people and the emotions cause effects to be spread much much further than they would if humans weren't there. Without us, if a tree falls; it falls. It doesn't cause something else to change miles away.

Post-it.

My thoughts are like a stack of post-it notes. After I get them, I put them somewhere. Either in a conversation with a friend, my shower, over breakfast, my nightstand, or I post it here. The sad part about that is if they go somewhere else, then they don't end up here. So to rectify this, I will *attempt* to put all or the majority of the thoughts here.
Today's thought stems from an interesting place. When I got up this morning my feet felt heavy. Every time I stepped I imagined a shock wave going out in all directions. Then when the shock wave hit the walls it climbed up them and onto the ceiling.
-Tangent- Impact craters are formed when an object strikes a surface with enough force to deform the surface. The size of the crater depends on the force (mass of the object multiplied by the acceleration) and the makeup of the surface.-/Tangent-
What determines the 'impact crater' of a person. The 'realm of influence' if you will. Is it location, exposure, or personality. Or more? Or all? This equation seems so infinitely complex because it is just not two 3D objects colliding but two infinitely complex beings colliding and interacting.
I bring up this whole subject because part of the reason we are willing to do some of the horrible things we do is because we do not see the impact crater that it will cause. We justify it by convincing ourselves that no one outside of the immediate will be affected. When I believe if we could see at least a few more of the consequences at the point of decision then so many mistakes or poor judgments could be avoided.
Note that this is not regarding the consequences of things that or out of the person's control (nature, other people, etc) but direct impact crater caused by that person at that time. If you know the equation, tell the world.

A whole new world....

No, I am not watching Aladdin but I hope you now have that song in your head. For the next TEN days I will be on vacation. Most likely I will attempt to not allow myself internet access. [I sound so confident in my ability to avoid it huh?]

There is this great new book of quote by Greek Philosophers that I have been skimming in my spare time in the car. It is just convenient to have the quotes broken up already into subjects. The funny part is that I have started to think in the same wording structure and such as they did. So this morning when I had a thought it came out as:

"One should not believe that one's own perspective is clear, right, and true; even more so when the subject involves one's self."

Funny huh?

Many things but first: Authority vs. Correctness

Of course this got me thinking. One thing that I decided was that I am not sure that questioning one's authority is the same as questioning one's correctness. Yes our English language does a poor job of convincing us that they are not connected. [Example: "Mr. Thomnus is an authority of the subject because he has nine degrees on it."] If someone is one of the most correct on a subject, then they are an authority. I say we scratch this entire notion. Authority is a position. Questioning one's authority is questioning if the person should be in the position. Questioning one's correctness, even one that is in a place of authority, is not only healthy but necessary. Maybe this needs more thought and talk but I think not.



Last night I had another moment I do not want to forget. The leaves are changing colors. I drove to a friend's and then we drove to a hot tub. Sat and talked. It got cold. I got hot. The sunset was great. Believe it or not this isn't the best part. So it gets dark at 6:30pm now. We are a bit out in the country (where the hot tub is located). The stars start to come out. We order a pizza from the hot tub but want to go pick it up. We get out. I get cold. Changing and hoping into the car, I begin to drive down curvy roads with no street lights. Music low. Moments of silence and moments of conversation flow. Walking into the pizza place, we got looked at like aliens. Wet hair and light clothes on a night near freezing. The pizza smelt so good we couldn't resist. Cracked open the box and got back on back road. You handed me pizza so I balanced it with one hand and drove with the other. Laughing because: I am about to crash, the pizza burnt my mouth, and I have no idea where I am or where I am going. Then, Death Cab comes on. What timing.

i roll the window down
and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road
and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

then looking upwards
i strain my eyes and try
to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?"
i ask and you smile.
with my feet on the dash
the world doesn't matter.

Ya. That song.

Perspective, Warmth, and Beauty

In the gym last night: my friend and I talked about everything that is going on in our lives and some of the stuff we have seen or heard. Good times of sharing and stretching thoughts and arguments. He likes to play devil's advocate to see if his though pattern/argument will stand up beyond the confines of his head. Which I love about his external-processing self. Speaking of, I should be writing down my thoughts on 'argument styles' the next time I blog. He helps me bring perspective on my thoughts that I mull and never let out. The funny thing was that I used a title of a previous blog, 'Priority by Proximity', in one of my arguments.
In the house last night: I cleaned pretty much everything. Sadly, everything isn't enough and I have more to do when I get in tonight. Also, the heat at the house is out right now, which is horrible. Cleaning actually helped though. I got moving around so much I started to warm up and with my little space heater added on top of that, it was quite cozy. The floor space that I regain in my battles against the clutter and dirty clothes is more valuable than gold. [That is saying a lot because gold is at like a 20 year high.] I just like to be able to come in and sprawl out on my floor. Then, crawl onto my bed and sprawl there too. I slept much better last night than the night before. [That is a story and a half also.]
In the car this morning: I saw so many things. Little kids getting on buses, geese flying in formation, and the sun coming over the hill behind me and blinding me through my rear view mirror as it does nearly every morning. The thoughts begin to run. Where all this is from? Why is the purpose that the geese seem to have in their drive to survive so beautiful? Is that kid dreading going to school or looking forward to playing with that favorite toy at break time? I begin to appreciate again all that I am seeing as if it is the first time I opened my eyes. This feeling wells up. That feeling triggers the thought of you and the picture in my head of your smile. I smile. Then the sound of the radio pierces in and I hear the good news; highs in the mid 60s.

Changing change changes change.

Another way to say that is, "Changing how change occurs, changes which coins you receive from breaking a large bill." What? Did you expect something profound? How silly of you. That doesn't even make sense, much less is it profound.
Fall brings many things: cold weather, feelings, memories, and more. Every season brings change but fall attacks all of my senses. Well, at least it does where I live. So many colors appear that I wouldn't even think exist in nature. The smell of autumn. The cold air and long nights with ten blankets. The taste of pumpkin bread. The sound of leaves rustling. It is simply incredible.
So, I am starting to think that our society is structured in such a way that deep thought it is hindered. It actually seems structured to purposefully keep you mind constantly entertained with tasks that are time consuming and seemingly necessary. I am sure that if I attempted to do all my errands personally that I would have no time for anything else. Even more so when I am trying to find a new place to live. I wonder how much further our society would move if we didn't have to think about the small every day tasks that take up so much of our time. What do you think?

Too bad I have no real good musical talent... because I can hear the music.

Following the map you drew,
Its upside-down.
I'll get there eventually,
I always do.
Suddenly I start to think,
Of your sweet face.
Then drive right by the exit,
I meant to take.

And I can't help but smile.
This is how it is supposed to be.
No matter what happens now,
I've had what everyone wants.

Finally I get to you,
at the park.
Daises and sunbeams,
are all around.
A few dozen cookies,
baked for me.
We lay and read our books,
Mystery.

And I can't help but smile.
This is how it is supposed to be.
No matter what happens now,
I've had what everyone wants.

Cause and Effect

Now my hours at work have changed to 8am to 5pm. It is much harder for me to get into the office 30 minutes early. I thought that I would just need to adjust to the time change but it has been harder than first suspected. Part is because of lifestyle, part personality, and finally because of how dark it is when I attempt to get up now. My thoughts have had a hard time keeping up with my feelings but much less understanding them.
One thing has slapped me hard many times over the past two weeks. Communication is completely different for nearly everyone. But certain approaches can be taken to address a group but you can't speak personally to a large group. I find it particularly hard to get across a point to someone with a childish mind. Some arguments are nearly impossible to explain in a childish way because part of the experience/information is in the explanation. It is like a child eating baby food because they have no teeth. Even if you made a steak flavored baby food, they still wouldn't get the full experience of it because so much is in the experience of eating the food. So, to get my certain points across to certain people I have to set up a childish consequence or punishment for them to even question it. Nearly a 'hot stove' test so they learn that it is bad. Sometimes I think the only way to teach them is to let them learn.
The group I go to trivia with captured first place for the second week in a row last night. It is an incredibly good feeling to win at something. Even more so when that winning includes getting free food. Being tested in this way also creates a longing with in me to know more. Simply proving the 'reward what you want repeated' mantra.
[Last tangent I promise.] I read yesterday that some scientists think that dark matter doesn't exist. (Go read up on what dark matter is or what we think it is.) The funny thing it that since we can't measure it, Quantum physics states that it isn't there. Or is it everywhere? Tricky, tricky.
Hopefully I will have time to write more soon.

Long time, no chance.

Having no internet at home and very busy work means that my blogs do not get updated as much as I wish. Nearly everything in my life is context dependent; in many different ways. For instance a day can be good or bad. This can change depending on the days surrounding it. Also, a day can be determined by how I enter the day mentally. A large part of this 'good' mindset is perspective. If I continually look short term or what is happening in my immediate surroundings then I will be very unhappy. This is why the painter steps back to get the full project into view. To not forget the meaning of the laborious and repetitive brush stroke.

a blogging spree

Many things have come up lately that I either do not want to forget or can't forget. So, those things/thoughts/emotions end up here. This one is to remind me to never forget that my values on work/life balance are correct and important. Yesterday I heard a little kid say, "Mommy, is Daddy going to be home?" Then the mom replying, "No honey. I'm sorry. He won't." What can you seriously be earning that is more important than being home when your kid gets in from karate practice?

Monopoly

is a good game but I hate it. One, it takes too long; I have yet to fully finish a game in my life. Secondly, 'Chance' throws a huge wrench in this otherwise fun intellectual challenge. Not the chance that is involved in throwing the dice, which I have conceded is a necessary evil. What I am talking about is any layer of Chance that is stacked onto of that chance of rolling the dice. In Monopoly, there is a location called 'Chance' that can either throw you in jail, take all of your properties, and make you play the rest of the game fully unclothed OR you gain so many hotels on properties that anyone who lands on them goes bankrupt until they go around the board and land on them again. Even still, no one can win. With two good players playing, the board becomes split in half with hotels on all lots and these two will continue rolling into the night until one passes out.
Hence why I do not enjoy the game called 'Life' (irony abounds) because it is pretty much all Chance with a few choices thrown in at the very beginning to get you suckered into playing.
Chance is such an interesting phenomenon. Like gravity, we have a name for it and know attributes of it but cannot explain why it happens. One of the attributes that we interestingly know about it is that it is random. Which doesn't help me much in anticipating it. To me it is two doors that appear out of thin air that cause extremes in emotion. I am either allowed to walk through one door and have extreme happiness, I am forced through the other door to extreme sadness, or I run away from both and end up wondering 'what could have been'. So here I am living my happy life and then out of seemingly no where; Chance happens. Throwing my living into these emotions which are so intense that I feel physically tired. One time though, I will be able to walk through that good door and all will be right.

Oxytocin

There are many things in the brain that cause one to feel attraction and connection with someone else. Oxytocin [Ox-ee-toe-son] is the protein currently deemed to be responsible for love. This is suppose to take a while to get to but then when it does start to be produced, it causes a constant sense of contentment. Still though, I refuse to believe that love ends there. It must go deeper. Even outside of experiences with other people.
For instance, I love this moment I had a little bit ago. In the park, laying on my back, my hat tipped down to block the sun, the breeze coming and cooling me down;giving me chills. Then the sun coming back to warm me up again. The smell of the grass and the sound of the leaves rustling. Just a fleeting moment.
The interesting thing here that isn't immediately obvious, is that we only speak of the 'love that could have been' unless it is a person and not a moment. If I had missed out on the day at the park, I would have been upset but I had no idea that it would be as good as it turned out to be. Then, if a person gets away that I feel would be perfect except for the situational reasons that kept us apart, then I am literally heartbroken even though the relationship didn't get past 'hello.' Now, off to work and intermittent with day dreaming of the park it get me through.

Rays in space

Lately most of my thoughts have seemed like mathematical rays. A starting point and then a though train that has a direction. This alone is not a bad thing. It is the fact that the train has no end or conclusion that is tiring. To be candid, the only thing more comforting than a good back scratch is a conclusion to something. The realization that the situation you endured to reach that conclusion should not have to be endured again. And if for some reason it is one of those horrible things that happens multiple times, it'll be better the second time around. So right now I am partly worried that the events that kicked off the previous thought trains will happen again and again I will not be prepared and not know what to do. That is part of the fun though. Some of the best things in life happen when you are 'wingin' it.
Live is like solving a rubik's cube. I say that because one is on my desk right now. A while back I learned one of the full proof ways of solving it. Then I got bored with it. In that research though, I learned that there are many ways to solve it. The faster ways are not full proof, require much thought, and some risk. The full proof way takes much longer but always completes it without error. We all approach life different. Some of us get to the end of the thought ray one way and others in another. Some never get there for one reason or another. In the last post I talked about enjoying the ride and everything that is happening then. This morning though I say to also enjoy how you personally solve the puzzle of life.

Point A to B

So this past weekend I drove out of town to see my friend. I was just trying to get from point A to point B safely and swiftly. On the way there, I crested a hill and there were emergency vehicles and brake lights instantly. Luckily we didn't stop completely. We slowed and then realized that the reason for the slow was actually on the highway going in the opposite direction. A tractor trailer/18wheeler/transport truck had lost control, gone through a guardrail, turned on its side, and then struck a vehicle that was on the on ramp attempting to get onto the highway.
This obviously makes you automatically think about if it had happened to you. Always convincing yourself that you would have the presence of mind at the time to avoid the truck and be OK. I do not know about you, but I always over estimate my abilities when thinking about something in the future. Things never go as good as they did when I envisioned it. Not saying that this positive thinking still didn't have a positive impact of the situation though. So all is not a loss on that thought train.
I arrived safely. The weekend was incredibly restoring. It is always refreshing to be around a great friend where drama ceases to exist. We just connect. I could continue on this for more days than I was there for but lets get talking about the way back so I can start work.
On the way back I was continuing in my normal fashion. Listening to my and old music. Stopping only for gas, once. Then I crest a hill like on the way there to break lights. Again we begin to flow instantly again. No so much for the other side. One black SUV had stalled out in one of the two available lanes. Apparently he did not find it necessary to move his vehicle out of the way and off to the side. He was sitting leaning back in his SUV with a window down and his foot out the window. He was doing all of this as people were driving in the median to get around him. As I continued on, I realized just how far the traffic was backing up all because of this one person. Miles. Then when I reached the end of the backup, people were going 70mph and then having to come to a complete stop within 100 feet. Tires were smoking and people were weaving into the shoulders to avoid hitting the people in front of them. So I tried to flash my lights to the other side to hopefully make them thank that there was a police officer and slow down.
This whole incident got my brain going a thousand miles per hour. 1) Did that guy think is was important enough to ruin so many peoples days and even risk injury to them? 2) Was the guy just stupid? 3) I feel bad for all the people stopped. 4) I feel scared for all the people that are about to have to slam on there brakes; especially the tractor trailer/18wheeler/transport trucks. 5) I realize that the people who have already hit the traffic have had their day ruined. 6) What if a person dies while trying to stop when they encounter the traffic? Will the stalled car in front be held responsible? Or will he never even know? 7) I realize that I am just like the people who are about to have to stop. Just trying to get from point A to B without a surprise just over the crest on this hill that will possibly change my life forever in a negative way.
I feel like I am constantly in the state of trying to just get from point A to B. If something forces me to slow down or I get in a full on wreck; I am not happy. But when I see it happen to other people while I am still doing forward at speed and in tact, then I begin to realize. I am always at point ME. Where ever I am is my current point and I should enjoy that. Someone once said to me, "Life is about getting to death alive. Enjoy the ride." Maybe I should shrink that down to every day life. Enjoy where I am simply because it is where I am. This doesn't mean I do not look forward to things. It just means that I don't forget to actually pay attention while on the ride.

Listening

is hard. Not because I am uninterested. Nearly every time that someone is talking about a subject that I know little/nothing about I am all ears. The major issue for me is when I have made a decision about something and someone questions it.
Let's start by saying that the decision is between right and left. I have chosen left and am in the process of following through with that. Then a friend realizes this and questions it. They begin to talk about simple thoughts that make a case for right. This is where I have trouble listening. I thought about exactly what they are saying when I was making my decision. Sometimes it is even a very obvious argument for right and I am almost insulted that they would think that I would make a decision without considering that argument first. So I am tempted to cut them off and say that I have already thought about that. Then they move onto the next argument that I have already thought about.
I don't cut them off though because of two reasons. First, when approaching an issue I start simple, so I cannot blame them for doing the same. Second, I can not tell you how many times that I have gotten great knowledge out of an unexpected place about an unexpected topic by listening to what seemed otherwise a worthless waste of breath.
This is why I have such a large problem with people considering others not intelligent enough to speak in front of people or cut people off before their thought is finished. Yes statistically the odds of some great nugget of wisdom to come out of a certain situation may be minuscule but because of the infinitely large variable of another human being outside of yourself; it is completely in the realm of possibility. So listen anyways.

Thursdays and People

It would seem that Thursday is the day of the week where I can't take not blogging any longer. I am struggling with a balance. (Surprise right?) A balance between being who I feel like I am and doing what I feel is the most correct logically. In my recent past I do not remember being on the opposite side from logic. I am an introvert. So it is draining at times to be around people. Also, I regain my energy by having my alone time where I can think things out at my own pace without distractions.
Where I am tore is between: continuing to continually reach out to nearly everyone or to only invest my time and energy into people I feel is 'worth' both.
I have many problems with the latter. Namely: assigning who is 'worthy', giving up on people, and going against who I feel I am wired to be. The reason for the first is obvious. The second deals with my past and how I had people who didn't give up on me and that is part of why I am who I am today. The third is a self reflection saying nearly exactly what the second. I feel like I am the way I am because I am wired like this, from my core. I believe that is it a good thing also. I refuse to be 'ruined' by the world and lose this feature. Also, I begin the 'what ifs'. What if that person is like me when I just needed one person to talk to me to completely change where my mind is going. What if that person is just like how I am about to come and I could find a great friend if I give them a chance?
What I am about to become like is not the exact opposite but a balance where I learn to let go of people. Logically this makes more sense and I feel stupid for not being this way currently. Hence why the change is near. At least 80% of the time I spend out with 'friends' is solicited by me. Besides maybe 7 people in my life, I am always the one calling and instigating the time we will attempt to spend time together. Even if they call me their friend, they still don't call me. Even typing this now I become frustrated with myself for not changing this sooner. I am done giving infinite chances to people who show no response. If they show that they have taken a step then I will not hesitate to respond. For some reason it makes complete sense to me that I should not invest my time and energy into someone who doesn't do the same for me.

Hope, continued...

The past 24 hours have brought me to find the word 'hope' to be in a very interesting and great place. I think I like it because it is the balancing factor in many other words. But hope is more than just what I went over in my last post.

-Hoping is not waiting. (Read my last post)

-Hoping is not expecting. Almost a humble form of expecting. Expecting in the sense of a sort of entitlement to a returned value.

-Hoping is not warranted. At times, there is no reason to hope than because it is the only thing that can be done.

-Hoping is not wishing. Almost a type of preparation or action is needed.

Hope and wait. Do I mean 'or'?

As of late I have beginning to realize how different hoping and waiting are from each other. If I crash land on an island, what is the first thing I do? I put a message in a bottle hoping that the currents take it to a put where someone can get it and then come get me, of course...(not really) but then what next? Do I sit and wait for that person to come OR do I hope someone finds it and go start building my shelter? I think that so many people send something out there to someone, some job, some lottery, or something else and then wait. They put their life on hold for that one thing to return. I am beginning to feel that unless you are throwing feathers at the wind, then waiting is worthless. What if it never returns or if you miss much more valuable things while you are waiting. In the case of me on the island, what if I die waiting? (Now, to catch all the thoughts that are running in the opposite direction before they become extreme.)
I am not saying that I do not look forward to things. I definitely hope that someone finds the bottle and then ultimately finds me soon after. I even become excited when that thing does return or produces fruit. In the meantime though, I will not sit and wait. There are other things that are to be done.
If you have read my past posts about time and such then this next section will not come of any surprise to you. Since time is relative, to some people is seems slower and to others it seems faster. This even fluctuates throughout your life or even throughout the day. The majority of the days when I am thinking about a lot of things seem to be 48 hours long. Time seems to slow down. This is compounded when I am waiting in anticipation of something. This is where the saying, "slower than Christmas" comes from. To continue with my analogy, not only would I not get anything done, but it would seem longer for me to be rescued. Perhaps I might even go insane, because I have begun to feel this effect when waiting on a girl I liked to call me back. =p
So throw the bottle out and hope for a response. When you get that response, it could be the highlight of your day or week or life. The importance of that moment is not diminished what-so-ever by hoping instead of waiting.

Choo Choo

The thought train has been in full motion the past few days. But before I get into it I want to make an announcement. I will be starting another blog that will be just a 'link dump' for everything that I thought was cool throughout the week. Right now I have 11 links for today's inaugural post. Anyways, hear come the thoughts so prepare for the italics.
The thing that has had me spinning in circles the past few days is something that I been attempting to follow for a long time. Partly because it felt right and partly because somewhere I knew it was something that was very in line with my personal beliefs. I honestly hate very few things. One thing I do hate though is when people use infinites to describe something temporary. One being it is always false. [I love making fun of myself.] Seriously though. I understand that we have to make assumptions to survive in the world. So we decide that things will be constant and live that way. Examples: What goes up must come down, throwing a ball makes it will move in the direction I throw it, and the like. Still you can't say that even the laws of physics will always be the same. Maybe when you throw the ball a huge gust of wind or a bird causes it to go the opposite direction or your location (in outer space) causes you to not come back down. [I know that isn't bending physics but wait for me to get there...] Or it could just be a misunderstanding of the human race to this point. We thought for a very long time that the atom was the smallest particle, annnnd then the electron, annnnd then the hadron, annnd now the quark. Shoot there could even be something smaller now that I just haven't read about yet. Even more so, once you open to the possibilities of quantum physics everything is fair game. Who am I to say, "throwing a ball this way always causes it to go that way."? Technically there could be a another universe which is in quantum parallel with ours that has completely different laws of physics. Including what properties make up life. Maybe I couldn't exist in that universe but if I could, I'd build a ball, and throw it.
All that to make the point that infinites cannot be correct when talking about things in our world. There are too many variables. Especially when you add the infinitely complex variable of people. So when someone says, "this person always did this and could never change, and the police did nothing" I cringe. That is pretty much one of the most incorrect statements I have heard in a very long time. I am sure the police did something because the newscaster wouldn't have heard of it if they haven't. I even believe they showed a police report. I am sure that the person didn't always do that because they were in a crib crapping themselves 24 years ago. Also, everyone can change. So the newscaster is most likely either an idiot or is an extremist trying to polarize people with infinites.
So much more to say but I went to a meeting and completely lost my thoughts. Never let your day determine your mood. Be above and outside of that.

Half of everything...

It has been half a month since I have been able to write. It has been half a month of worrying. It has been half a month of fun. The last 15 days has really opened my eyes... again. I had a great conversation with my friend Andy which reminds me why we are such great friends. Talking with someone else that can abstract from the world and think about things, makes the world easier to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I have conceded to the fact that I can never know enough or all of it. So the majority of the time I just ride the thought train and enjoy my unpredictable time in this star field of variables.
Then the world throws something that always snaps me back to having to 'deal' with it again. Money is an easy one that it can throw at a moments notice. Some people see it as an enabling incarnation of hard work. Most of them have not ever seen it keep you from eating or surviving. If food, water, shelter were provided to everyone in the world then sure; money would be enabling. Only used on expanding ones lot, frivolous things, things you believe in, in social situations, or anything else that is not necessary to life. Oh what a life.
To go off on a tangent, one of the largest crimes of technology is me not hearing my friend's voice for over a month while talking to them nearly four times a week.

Good Morning

Today the house was empty. Waking up in bed and hearing nothing but the soft constant hush of cars passing by on the highway was enough for me to decide that is was worth getting up. Pushing the fact that the day will not stay at a temperate 70º allows me to get dressed without cursing society for forcing me to wear pants. It is not as if I am living in ignorance, but it is nice to have moments of no forethought. Limiting sight to no further than the second you are in is incredible and makes you question everything. I did not get out of bed this morning because I had to come to work... (I am one hour early) but because it was beautiful. The feeling of being tired did not even start to approach me until 1am. Still, I felt completely rested at 7:15am and nearly woke up before the alarm went off. Walking towards the shower, with the lights streaming between the blinds as it fights to break through and gain my attention, I realize that my actions this morning have brought me to a place where I have enough time to think. Instead of rushing, attempting to get somewhere on time, I sit in the shower and remember. Great times, goos times, bad times, and why I am who I am.
This is a new approach. Perhaps the 'best way' isn't to always be out of the moment with sights so far ahead that you know how you will react then, so you should act it now. Maybe instead it is to transform yourself so that your reaction changes to what it will have been after long times of thought and live in the moment.
Jealousy has been a strong emotion in the recorded history of man. From killing one man to launching a thousand ships. Or just jealosy for the 'gods' of Rome or Greece. Well the 'gods' are jealous of us. Our lives here are so beautiful, more so than those of the old 'gods', because it is not infinite. Every moment is more precious because it is fleeting. This moment now is more important than any other before in my life because it could be my last. The 'gods' sit and (supposedly) enjoy the best of the best but after doing everything, one starts to become like an addict or a philosopher, seeking something more.
Enjoy your moments because especially with how hot it is going to get today, this moment could be your most beautiful. (Wow, that sounded morbid. So, I can not end on it.) Enjoy the sights and sounds of the temporary world around you because it is ever changing and one of a kind. (Much better.)

Missing out?

With an average blinking time of 500ms and an average interval of 4 seconds, I have my eyes closed for two hours a day. A few years ago I came up to a red light that had this flashes strobe light at the top to grab the driver's attention. After sitting at the light for a while the passenger said, "I really don't like that." Confused I asked what they were talking about. Then they pointed out the flashing strobe. So, I looked directly at it intently and it flashed. I jumped a little bit and saw spots for a few seconds. How could I have had driven up and then sat there for 5 seconds without noticing? What happened was that I was blinking at the exact interval that the strobe was flashing. So I didn't even notice the world around me getting brighter.

How much do you think you miss a day by blinking? How much do you miss a day by not being mindful and paying attention? Keep your eyes open.

More than Seven

It has been more than seven days since my last post. So I decided that it would be good for me and my few readers to post once again. Too much has happened since then to really go over everything. "Something can never be explained to the level at which it was experienced." That is my quote that I have come up with for today. I'd like to share everything with everyone by telling them all about it but I can't. There is too much happening every second for me to explain. That is why some people have a gift in the art of storytelling. They know what to cut out and what to leave in to keep the detail needed but also be slim enough to be able to deliver it in perfect comedic timing. (I think a guy in a movie once said, "Life is about what makes a joke funny, timing. There is more to life than that: love, respect, etc. But it is still a good thought.)
This past week or so has more than perfect though. (hence the blog name) Braves games, expanding friendships, talking with old great friends, completing works, bettering myself. This is what life is about and I hope that it continues. Also that I continue to recognize it.

[This is me really wishing I had been taking more pictures and attempting to restart.]

Restful; Sleepless

Last night I could not fall asleep. I rolled around in bed and then finally decided t go downstairs to watch TV and lay on the couch. I do this knowing that it means a late night (2am-ish) and a sore back the back day from sleeping on the couch. Also, it means that I will most defiantly eventually fall asleep faster than if I just lay in bed. My plan of sleep was foiled by many great documentaries in a row. One about sharks, one about a WWII corsair squad, one about this fighting style in the Philippines, and one about the 10 most deadly snakes in Africa. I know.. no wonder I couldn't fall asleep.

So, this morning I fight the alarm and play that game of 'how many minutes can I set this back and still get to work on time'. Normally I play it safe-ish and set it back just a few minutes and tell myself that it will feel like a lot more time of sleep. Today was not a normal morning. Friday night I was awake until 4am. Saturday was a full day and then I was awake until 2am. Sunday, last night, I was up past 4am again. This morning was not a normal morning. Upon hearing that tone of my alarm, that I have come to hate and turn with despise when hearing anything the like, I immediately set it back to the maximum amount of time possible. Almost with a half smile on my face as if I am beating the day in a battle by still getting thirty more minutes of sleep.

Ten minutes later I wake up on my own and get in the shower.

No doubt!

My new car is great. I have liked the gas mileage, the iPodness, and other features about my car for the little time I have had it but eventually I will own something more in my sporty style. I figure that having no car payments is kind of sporty in its own way. Also, my car earned a heck whole lot of points a few days ago when I realized something. It is a no nonsense car. If a passenger is not in the passenger seat, then the passenger airbag does not turn on. So I figured that is the seatbelt isn't buckled then the airbag isn't turned on. So I connected the seatbelt. Still stayed off. So then I crawled over into that seat and sat down. It finally switched on. I think my friend Laura was in the seat the other day and it didn't recognize her as an adult. Next time I will get her to hold some bricks so that the airbag will deploy if we get into an incident.

Snowflake, well more so.

We are all very interesting. Each is a unique being that there will never be another exactly alike. Even identical twins with identical DNA have different likes, dislikes, beliefs, and experiences. Like a snowflake that makes choices that makes it different from all the others. At the same time though, there are certain features that we have in ourselves or see in others that we seek out.
The one I am seeking is a genuine care and want for involvement in other people's lives. To help, experience, and share with people in general. Sadly I think I am on the tail end of having this feature myself. I am thinking of 'giving up' and sitting back and not trying at this anymore. I will feel like a large part of my life disappears that will most likely be filled with books, movies, video games, and outdoor activities. Then people who are trying like I used to be will come along eventually, if I'm lucky, and I will return to my feature with a huge smile. Just to that one person though.
If this is my plan of action I assume that others in my position have done the same. So that there are all the 'dormant people' out there just waiting for the spark of someone who cares to respond. Isn't that why I started doing this in the first place. Now I am back to where I was, doing what I have always done. I knew I was doing this for a reason, sometimes I get tired of trusting myself on it though.

My life.

When I think about my life it is remembered by things that have happened. Not by being able to relive moments. Almost as if my memory is of still pictures with an audio track. This is most likely a defense mechanism to keep me from thinking about everything that I want to think about and to forget the things I don't want to remember. Certain things I want to remember and can't though. So now I am attempting new patterns and plans to help me 'turn on' my memory when I know there is something that I want to remember.
That is great and all but a large majority of the things I want to remember are things that are experienced in the moment. If I have to take myself out of it to 'turn on' then what is the point of it anyways? Tricking myself into remembering things when I feel a certain way will be hard but I believe will increase the memory that makes people feel loved. Remembering their name, their favourite singer, their eye color, one thing they said they were having to deal with the last time we talked. These things make a large impact on a person. When we part ways, it is not as if that person stops living while I am not observing them. It is almost like quantum theory. If something isn't being observed then technically, it is everywhere it could possibly be, all at the same time. So when we spend time together again I have no idea where they have been and also just by me observing and bringing back something remembered, it grounds them and creates a past that they and I can hold on to.

Smelling like fish.

Last night I got to spend some more time with one of my best friends. If was great. He drove up to my office. Then, we jumped in my car and headed out. He told me stories about all that is going on in his life. It's great. He has such an excitement that I think I have lost to pessimism which I rationalize by calling it reality. That is a change I am now attempting to make. We talked about all sorts of everything. Except Harry Potter. We stopped at a gas station to pick up food, needle-nose pliers, and minnows. The old lady who owns the store is a classic example of a family owned gas station in the country. We go to the pond and get eaten alive my mosquitoes for three hours. Still talking and also not talking at times. We both needed our time. We pack up, drive back, listen to old classics in the car, drop him off at his truck, and then on the way home I realize how much like fish I smell. Reeking of fish. It is horrible but every time I smell it the memories of the hours before come back again. So it isn't that bad.

Dreams or completely destroying everything

I have had dreams of about anything that is possible. I have been shot and shot someone. I have been able to fly and seen someone else fly. I have broken up relationships and found new ones. But this morning was a particularly fun one. I just got a new car.

Then, I dreamed that someone stole it from me or that I had to give it back for some reason. So I did what anyone would do in this situation; I grew to fifty feet tall and began my rampage of downtown Atlanta. Well I started in Lenox actually and then down to 10th street. Last night was an unusually cold night for a July 16th. I woke up fighting with my, many, covers like Godzilla making the crushing noises of the buildings. For some reason I am pretty sure there were no people in the city at all. Just buildings for me to smash.

hit-list

The hit list of two great days.

• Getting moved around into a position I like more at the office.
• My best bud in the office getting back from China.
• Getting the Molten Cake I 'bought' for him for free from Chili's.
• Watching 'Stranger than Fiction' with a good group of people and having a great time.
• Hearing from Danna!
• Good night of sleep.
• Brunch.
• Cool waitress.
• Meeting with a great man.
• Car!!!
• Winning three or four epic medieval battles. (In a video game of course)
• Swimming with the Shiloh.
  
• Seeing Mark.
• Eating mexi-can with Jess.
• Beers with the new crew.

HOLLA!

Thought Wall

Tuesday and Wednesday seem to be my thought wall. This is where I have to slow down, because life forces me to, and I start to think and realize a lot of stuff. At times this ranges from topics people are not interested in talking about: life, death, love, purpose, and what effects our decisions or observations have on other quantum worlds; possibly even create them. Riveting I know. But I like to wonder about things that I can never figure out. Like, if light doesn't decay because it doesn't experience time, since it is moving at the speed of light, we can use space as like the ultimate computer hard drive by shooting light out and grabbing it back thousands of years later. Or wondering about if there are other quantum worlds, if an early one that broke off on a different path has different laws of physics than ours. Who knows. I don't. But if you are still awake I had a thought that is not down this normal line and I believe could actually make a fun 'normal person whining session'.

In English punctuation, the period '.' is used at the end of a sentence to signal to the reader to pause for a period of time. The little dot or point that marks a period is an interesting choice for the period. Then I start to think about an exclamation point '!' Why is that called an exclamation point and not an exclamation period? Question mark!? What the heck is that?!

Definitions

Last night was the first good night of sleep that I have had in a very long time. It took my brain a few weeks of bad sleep to become fried, and then stayed fried for about two more. Now I am back, yet again, as always. In this occasion, I will coin a new word: "reflectfull". Surprised that it is not already a word? Ya, me too. If a person is full or reflections or reflective thought then, by the current dictionary, he/she is reflective. Reflective like a mirror. I think it should rather be reflectfull. Consider it coined.

About growing up, I think sound hinders us. 'Back in the day', if you will, there were no radios, TVs, iPods, planes, trains, or automobiles and we will existed. I actually think we thrived in our personal maturity. It is almost hard for many of us these days to sit in silence because it is uncomfortable since it is new and unknown. I suddenly find myself calling the sound of nature silence and rarely remember hearing only it. This past Sunday is one of the days that got me on the path back to my mind being structured again. It was a perfect day outside with the clouds blocking the sun every time it got too hot and the sun coming out to dry me after I got out of the pool. It was quiet with the birds and frogs singing and chirping. Just sitting and enjoying time, and also getting a burden off of my shoulders; it was great.

I must go for now but will most definately be back more often with more to say and to spill. Seek silence for a minute.

Wait what?

When I am speaking to certain people, as I look at their eyes and they seem empty. that sounds harsh but I think why it appears this way is because of their approach to conversation. When someone else is talking, they are not listening but rather thinking of what they want to say in response. I know this because: they have confessed it to me, they can not wait till you finish a thought to jump in with their own, or they respond after you are done but the response goes against the latter half of your statement.

I'll address the last reason for clarity very quickly.

If I say, "I was so angry I just wanted to end the friendship but I won't because I have already forgiven him and we are already rebuilding the trust." Then they come back to say, "You really shouldn't end the friendship over that." I become stunned and either ask if they were there for the last half of my statement or I am so amazed that I just drop the whole thought altogether because they aren't worthy of it. [run-on].

In my quest to be a better listener, this has been the most valuable lesson to have learned. Honestly, when I wait till the end to think, something incredible (to me at least) comes up in my head. Then I think to myself, "I didn't know I knew that." or "How in the heck did I come up with such a good thought without my normal hours of contemplation?" Magic? No. Being a good listener and being thoughtful of the person. I think so.

Now to share the thing that came up last night that changes the way I view all my blessings.

Math has always come natural to me. Some people struggle with it as I struggle with spelling. If you asked me to explain math to you, I couldn't. If you asked me to figure something out through math, I could. I turned this 'gift' into a curse though. It perpetuated my laziness and planted the seed for procrastination. I still struggle with having a great work ethic unless it is structured time. My sister though, has the best work ethic because she had to work very hard at math and science for hours every night. This was a blessing that I used and didn't utilize. I could have utilized it to grow more and help others but I used it to 'take the easy road' and not grow. Some people are blessed with great families, some with money, some with physical ability, and some with a heart of gold. I am beginning to think that we shouldn't ever rely on our gifts but to utilized them to enhance our life. For when we do we increase to our full potential as we would through hardship.

Recharge the Battery

Sometimes I feel that I am like my digital camera. Sure, I can always 'be'. Just because the battery dies on the camera doesn't mean that the camera doesn't exist anymore. At the same time, it is like the camera dies with the battery because it can't function as it should or function at all. It doesn't see all of the colors around it. Nothing sinks in and is retained.

I need to recharge me batteries.

Conflict and Conflicted

I avoid conflict because the pain/hardship/awkwardness is normally not worth the issue being addressed. Also, I avoid conflict because it involves me being caught. Here is where I am conflicted. I just lied. I feel gross. I almost feel sick to my stomach. I almost hope that that person talks to another certain person to find out that I am lying and never speaks to me again. Another part of me hopes I do not get caught. Either way I can not explain why I have been so dumb and tried to play a game when it was completely unnecessary. I am who I am and if that freaks you out or makes you feel uncomfortable, oh wells. Hopefully I will find other weird people out there who I can get along with that can understand part of what I feel. Until then, I blog... [was that a cheesy enough ending?]

known by trials

I do not skip over hard times in my life when telling my life story because I am afraid of what you will think or otherwise. I skip over them because I do not want them to be the defining points of my life. Yes, I agree I have grown through them and others associate more through hardship than anything else. It is just I want to be known for the great things that have happened to me or that I have been able to do. If asked, I will tell without hesitation or restraint. Also, if I think that it could help someone in any way, then I will also tell that story. Maybe avoidance isn't healthy but I think avoidance that comes from fear or because you don't want to deal with it is unhealthy. Re-framing of the situation to is completely different. I have just realized yet again how different I am from many of the people that I know. I would like to be able to understand and choose the best. Having balance in everything.

I want to throw out a quick thanks to a whole lot of people who have had any contact with me at all. Whether you know me or are a person who has passed me on the street that I will never see again. I have been impacted so many times over the past month, it is crazy. So thank you.

Thinking = Mouse Wheel

So I just typed, "I am thinking myself into a hole." Then I deleted it because I am not thinking myself into a hole. I am already in a hole and I am trying to think my way out of it. Yet, I am not going anywhere. I am so stretched/tired that my thoughts aren't effective. Hence: no blogging, no intentional conversations, and no advice. A large part of me feels sick at being in this state. On the other hand though, a growing part of me enjoys not 'trying' to be intentional with my time with people and just allow good timing to rule. This has served me decently well so far and I will let you know how 'it all' turns out. How are you? I want to know your stories. After a quick number crunch, I believe that my gmail account that is in my profile page can hold about 50 million good sized emails. So, email away. I'd like to read. I'd like to know.

Baseball

I have been hesitating to use an analogy because I think it is over simplified and does not convey the basic point that I want to get across. Then, I got to share it last night with a friend and she understood liked it, so here we go.

Sometimes I feel like the world is like baseball. If I don't understand any of the rules: where to stand, why to even try to hit the ball, whom to throw to and when, or what the little white squares are for; then the entire thing seems confusing, uninteresting, and almost scary. I mean, you can get along by learning to try and catch the ball anytime it is in the air. Or when you see someone running their heart out and you have the ball, to throw it to the guy calling for it. So you can skim by but understanding rules eventually means to be the 1st baseman giving off the right signals to the new people on the field to throw the ball to you.

Now the game is 'making sense'. You aren't sure why we are playing in the first place but you understand how to 'make it'. But this isn't all.

Many that I know or have met are still 'skimming by' in the game and some are playing fully and there are a few who are all-stars. There is still something more. Just by being in it for a certain amount of time you begin to realize that there is something else going on. You think you have a situation or at bat under control. You think that it is just any other at bat. Then, out of no where you get out and you can't understand how you 'screwed it up'. You see these other people who are on the sidelines observing and making weird motions.

Then you ask. You get turned down. You ask. You get turned down. Then either you ask again and they help you understand or you have an epiphany. There is strategy behind all of this?! There is a bigger goal than just getting people out? There is a bigger goal than just ME getting on and around the bases? Oh what?! I should sacrifice my chance this time up to help that guy on the white bag all the way over there to score?? Why should I do that?

After all these things are asked then comes the beauty that only comes with understanding, clarity, and humbleness. You understand so much now and you are thankful for being able to see how complex it is. It is so complex and you could never understand all of the intricacies of it. Weird paradox but you begin to see the real beauty that had gone unseen for so long. These few are the lucky few.

Your motions seem like no sense and no one outside of that knowledge understands why, what, or how you do it all. Then, there is me, as a normal player. One that has a natural love for the game. I am honestly glad that I even get to be on the field and smell the grass. How much more great will it be when the period in my life comes where I am the guy on the sidelines: watching, enjoying, and making crazy motions. All done with a smile on my face.

Words and Phrases

This weekend was great and tiring. I choose to be tired because I choose to be busy. I heard some great thoughts this weekend that sparked my thought train engine and I could hardly sleep. That makes you tired also.

The first was on Friday night when a man who worked for Delta said, "You spend half of your life trying to get somewhere and the other half getting back. How awesomely blessed am I to have realized the importance of finding out what I really want to chase before I start the great quest. This realization has come through the foresight and hindsight of friends and not from any thought process of my own.

I am having a hard time with many things right now. Most are thoughts that people accept, some are sins, and some are my own feelings. I can't help but want to take action on what I feel.

Today is frustrating because of my last sentence and also because I can not remember many of the thoughts that were triggered this week. I think I am trying to use it as an excuse to get my internet back. So, I honestly need to start typing them over the weekend.

Edited: You have to see this.

Very Short....

The majority of the time I feel like I can blend in but then people prove to me that a am made sick by what they feel is the norm. I honestly felt sick to my stomach. Wow.

Making the case for the good guy.

It is a known fact that the average woman matures faster than the average man. One book even says, "They [Women] mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults." This is true to a point. The point that I see this ending at is in what women look for in a man. At this point, women need to grow up.

I do not mean to make enemies here with any woman, the Lord knows not to do something as foolish as that. This is just an observation that I hope does not come across in a mean or insensitive way.

90% of the women that I have met in my entire life do not know what they want in a man. Even the ones that have big lists of what they want in a man, still have no idea. The most common point is the split between wanting the 'bad boy' or the 'good guy'. Women grow up thinking that they want to feel sexy and the bad boy provides that for them. There is a huge difference between wanting to be sexy and wanting to be desired. Desired is a healthy and stronger feeling that comes as a sort of package deal with being truly loved. Why wouldn't a woman want to be desired fully by one man that have a few temporary looks from a few boys?

I have a hard time understanding this. If there is a guy who can please you sexually but not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually then why would you want him? Do you think that the man who can please you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually can't please you sexually? I assure you that he can, but even if he couldn't, would you still choose the former over the latter? I am not sure why I even posed that question because it is irrelevant. The man that has a true love for you will be a 'good guy' and that love will be so intense that there is no way that any part of you won't be pleased.

So, to me, choosing the 'bad boy' is like going on a world tour and only going to see the world's largest ball of twine. It isn't even worth the trip. I mean, you get up every day, put in a quarter, and get a short thrill of, "I am staying at the world's largest ball of twine." But you will never feel the spiritual depth of seeing the grand canyon. You will never be moved by the emotional intensity of the aurora borealis. You will never feel as sought after and cherished as a lion does his kill. You will never be able to enjoy the complexities of mental stretching and strengthening of your dinner table talks.

Why would you ever choose the 'bad boy'? I do not know. Even some women I know that are in their mid 30s still feel like they are "settling" or "lowering their standards" to date a 'good guy'. Grow up and realize that a relationship with a good man is the only relationship you would ever want and can experience anything worth while in.

I think I think too much.

I think I think so much I over think it. Maybe I don't over think it and I think about it just enough. Which happens to be more than others think about it. Almost like that line, "people who feel insane are just the few sane in an insane world."

So there are things that I 'need' to be OK with and there are things that I 'should' be OK with. I am having a hard time determining which is which. To explain, let's say something happens to me that prompts me to feel hurt/upset/frustrated/annoyed. At this time I deal with my feelings at the time in a way that helps me deal with the situation. Then after that, when I have my thinking time, I go back over my day and try to figure out where to go from where I am at that moment. Then I think about this situation. Here is my issue: Is this situation a thing that I 'need' to be OK with or that I 'should' be OK with. If it is just me being immature or short sighted, I 'NEED' to grow and deal with it. But if it is me being exactly where my heart and mind should be, sane in an insane world, I don't want to be OK with it or let it slide just because I 'SHOULD'.

I really hope this thought line is able to be followed because I believe that it is incredibly important and not readily addressed. How many times has someone said, "that is just the way things are. deal with it."? Yes, perhaps that is the way things are but it is not the way things should be. I will not just deal with it. I will not sit by and just be OK with it, I want to change it. Why accept this approach and give up on what your heart is telling you just because it is the way others approach it?

Balance comes up yet again. I want it because it is the best way. Discernment is a skill that I need to fine tune before balance in this matter will even be an option for me.

Change of Approach

It took weeks for blogging to become a habit. Every night I would sit down and think about all the things I need to do and then all the things I want to do then add blogging to that list. Then I would write in my stream of conscious about everything I was feeling and/or thinking. Now this approach will have to change. I canceled my internet over this past weekend for many reasons. Sorry World of Warcraft. One being it was always down anyways. So now I have to post the blog at the office. I do not have the time to go into everything that I'd like to when blogging at the office. So here is my solution: I will continue to blog at home but into a word document. Then, I will put this file onto a mass storage drive to bring into the office every morning and post it before work begins. The "post time" will be the time and date that I typed the post. Now I feel like they added the feature to change that option just for this reason. Most likely not but it is still nice.

I have gotten a few messages asking about the smitteness (I think I just created a new word) of myself, who the girl is that is being smitten over, and for an update on the situation. Well first, I would update if anything were worth updating. Two, there are other things to be talked about and said. Three, it is over and done.

So, someone said yesterday about a very hard situation, "That is all the good that can come of that." I disagree. I do not know what other good could come of that situation and if I sat and thought about it for years I still wouldn't know. But, who are we to determine or limit what good can come of the worst situation just because we are blind to it. I am thankful that the world is so much bigger and more complex than I can comprehend and also the fact that it is even possible for great things to come out of these situations.

I will post more often and longer now that I have a system for actually getting it to you.

I am back!!! ... Well kind of.

So, I have been back from the beach trip for a few days now but two things have hindered me from blogging. One being busyness. The other is the fact that my internet at the house has been in and out. Calling the cable company just gets me disconnected after about 20 minutes leaving me frustrated.

Speaking of frustration, I have a new respect and awkward enjoyment of it. Until this past weekend I have not associated the word frustrated with growth. I even assumed the opposite as in: "the plant tried to grow but was frustrated." That is a plant, I am a human. So, it strikes me now that frustration, if handled correctly, can lead to growth. Almost as if I have two choices every time I become frustrated by something: deal with it or don't deal with it. Normally I fly off the handle and let my anger roll as a great disguise and distraction of me not dealing with it. I really liked what a friend said the other day, "Now that I have this knowledge, I am responsible for it because I am no longer naive."

Now to cap off this challenging blog with the 'end-all-be-all'. So many things in this world today are being 'fixed' by methodologies, 10-step programs, being busy, or the other when it is so much easier than that. As John Lennon said perfectly, "All you need is Love." I want to continue to change my heart to truly love other humans as human beings and fully realize that the world doesn't exist for my convenience and pleasure. The issue is that Love can not be explained. It can be felt and it's massive effects can be seen. I do not honestly think I have seen the effects of or felt the truest of true Love. Maybe that comes from a healthy Love of myself that can then be shown and spread. I'll get back to you on this in a few posts. Maybe in 2040.

Birthday days

So, my birthday has been great. I had a great night out with Phillip, Melissa, and Andy. Andy and I had a great talk and time. It is so great to have him back. After that late night, I slept so well. Got up early, went to yoga/Tai-Chi class, renewed my license to a class C and with no stupid "under 21" box, bought a book I have been wanting for a long time, ate at J. Christopher's, researched a charity to give my car to, then the fun began. I went and picked up my friend Blair at her house. She looked stunning. I love her new hair cut.

See?

Then we went to the Olive Garden and got soup, salad, pasta, and a glass of wine. After we leave there, we drive downtown to the Woodruff Arts Center. I was afraid that I forgot to print out a parking pass or something that I needed but we pull up and I say "I already paid for parking". The parking lot attendant, in his black suit with white bow tie, asks "What is your last name sir?" After I tell him, he looks through the list and then says, "Go on in." I felt so 'expected'.

We decided to dress down because she was feeling under the weather and I was feeling like a bum. There were still people more dressed down that we were and that made us both feel better. Getting the tickets from the box office was a breeze and we sit down in our great seats. Far enough back to let the acoustics of the building do it's work and get the sound of all of the instruments to our ears at the same time. They are practicing around individually and it is nearly chaos. The first chair violin walks out and the room goes silent. She engages her violin and this amazing sound comes out and then the chaos all connects and every musician is playing the same note. The conductor walks out and gets a warm and swelling welcome.

I wish I had the mental strength to continue in detail but the first few movements they played were of Beethoven and were also incredible. I could not stop smiling and was on the edge of my seat the entire time. I never knew my ears could hear something so dynamic and beautiful. It was like the highest quality recording ever. So perfect, without fault, deep, rich, filling, soul shaking. I must go back when there is another demonstration of a master because I am in love with goosebumps.

The way back we just rode with the sunroof and all the windows open on the highway. There were a few moments where I felt like I wasn't there but in the future. It was weird but I highly enjoyed spending time with Blair even if it was in silence in a car with the wind dampening everything but our night. Who better to share an experience like this with than a best friend?

In 7 hours I leave for the beach. Enjoy the down time of the blog because it will come back with a vengeance on Tuesday.

internet birthday

So, it is about 45 minutes from my birthday and I am blogging. I love it. The past few days have been intense and awesome. The next will follow suit. Right now I am going to make this short because I have so many things to do including shopping for a new car before I leave for the beach at 7am on Friday. This is me being so happy that I have been blessed with so much energy the past little bit that I can still enjoy all that is going down when so much is going down. The blog will not be touched Friday through Monday and I will try to do one on Thursday night before I leave and one on Monday night filled with pictures of the beach and everything in between.

Read this and then do it: Think about the thing you feel the most passionate about. The thing or person that makes your emotions flow out directly out of your chest and eyes. [Music, Painting, Stargazing, Cuddling, Running, Biking] Close your eyes and experience it. It makes you want to do it right now. Realize the fact that you can be and are loved more than you love this.

Oblivious maybe?

So today was great, as expected. Church went well and the breakfast I provided ended up being more than enough because the other Ben brought muffins. It was actually a good mix of fruit, muffin, and dough nut heaven this morning. The class was also great and I got to get into some conversations with people that I miss seeing on a regular basis. Then I went and got the email address of a new person I met. I was temporarily stunned because I just told her to find me on Facespace (facebook or myspace) and she has neither. So we actually had to exchange email addresses. What did we do before email and cellphones? We survived? Kind of like when you ride in a car with someone and they nearly get into four car wrecks in a twenty minute span. You think to yourself, "How did they survive until today?" Perhaps they always have people riding with them yelling, "WATCH OUT!" It is a wonder.

Then, Ryan got tickets from David to go to a golf tournament called the AT&T Classic. Last year it was the Bellsouth Classic but AT&T bought them out this year. It was awesome. I got a free hat and pin, which I put on the hat.



The skill level represented is just incredible. To hit a 1.7 inch diameter ball weighing only 1.6 ounces 280 yards into a 8 foot square is fascinating to watch. Then, if that weren't enough, every player that I saw had a slightly different swing and approach to the game as a whole. I loved it to say the least.

THEN, I went to small group as I always do. I didn't have to 'lead' which was a weight off my shoulders and we got done early. So we decided to go out to eat. Well, we get there and eat and joke and laugh. I am actually having a great time. We even had some silence which added to the dynamic afternoon in a way I highly enjoyed. Then the waiters come out with a cake to our table and everyone starts singing happy birthday. So, I start singing too. I kind of feel bad because I didn't know who's birthday it was. About 3/4 the way into it, you know, the name part, I look at the cake and realize it is for me. It was such a nice thing for them to do. They had planted a cake and balloons at the place before we went. Gave me a few presents and cards. I like being tired and not observant every now and then.

To cap it all off we watched ferris bueller's day off which got me in the mood for being off this Thursday and Friday. Then I watched a sunset worth living for.

Teach me.

I finally did something today that I have resisted so many times before in the past. It impacted me and I believe it impacted the other person also.

Everyday I hear things over and over that they become what I believe even if I don't know why. I fight this furiously daily in certain areas that I find extremely important. That is one thing I do not understand in people. How they can follow something to the extent of cutting people and experiences out of their lives when, if asked why, they can not explain themselves. If you can't fight them all, fight the most important ones or the fire that is the closest to the gas tank. [The last four sentences might seem cryptic because my thoughts are all over the place.]

One of the things that I hear over and over are the phrases "that is bad", "you are wrong", and "that is incorrect". I have so many examples of this that it is clouding my brain. Hence; blogging. These phrases get pounded in my head every day but are not replaced with what is correct. For example: I 'know' that I have bad posture even though I do not know what good posture looks or feels like. No one has ever told or taught me the correct way to stand/sit/walk.

So, someone said, "you are doing it wrong" to me today. I said, "Alright, then tell me how it is supposed to be done." He froze. He tried to come up with an answer and couldn't. After a few seconds of this awkward standoff I said, "This is what I have found to be the best way and until you give me a better way, this is the way I will do it." Maybe I was a little rough. I have held back in other situations but I couldn't in this one because I had to change the way I was doing what we are doing and I didn't know another way.

This might fit into the "react" or "respond" thought. Maybe, or maybe it is a huge brain leap. Where a person can react to an action, which does not solve anything. Or a person can respond to an action in a way to help the situation. People, myself included, are quick to complain or point out a flaw but are slow to present a way to fix the problem. 90% of the time I react, I am pointing out a flaw in a venting way. 90% of the time I respond I give constructive criticism, give a well thought out plan, or put someone else before me.

So my challenge to myself is to do the opposite of what I hear nearly every day. This is a decision made before the time comes to react with knowledge, which makes my reaction a response. Also, this will lead me to the goal of not just pointing out a flaw but presenting the "most correct" [as correct as I know] or at the least, starting the dialog to the most correct or 'best' way to approach an issue.

I believe the last time I attempted to do this, many people got fed up with me trying to solve issues. They asked why I just couldn't let it go. I do not understand this either. Why go through something just to leave it unsolved for it to happen again. It is like throwing a baseball incorrectly. Every time you get out and throw you are going more damage to your arm and your shoulder will hurt every time. Just 'forgetting' about it and trying to move on doesn't help long term. It makes it feel better because you stop throwing the baseball for a few days. Then that day comes when you have to throw again. Why not fix the style in which you throw? It might be harder and feel weird for a little bit, but I swear it'll hurt less in the long term.

Weak week

So this week has been a little ruff with the shadow of car breaking, relational issues, and work being stressful. But this morning I saw exactly what I needed to see. A five day weather forecast. Friday - Sunny and 74; Saturday - Sunny and 73; Sunday - Sunny and 81; Monday - Sunny and 81; Tuesday - Sunny and 82; This five day forecast is my five day forecast. Not only for weather but also for experience and joy. Today will continue to be busy, hence why I am writing this on my lunch break but it doesn't matter. Being at peace does not mean there is no turmoil in your life. Truly being at peace is being able to be at peace when it the the most trying day of your life and you can maintain perspective. I am thankful for the hard week because it has tuned my perspective slightly better than it was before this week. That five day forecast is perfect leading up to my birthday. Add in: possibly going to the Classic, the season finally of 24, one more night of World of Warcraft, hanging out with a few of my best friends downtown, going to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra, and going to the beach. That is a week worth living for.
Go to my Flickr page here to see a few pictures from last week. I haven't taken many pictures this week because I am not really in the mindset for it. That will change tonight. Always expect great things because then you might actually see that they happen all the time.

Sensitivity

Have you ever put on a shirt/sock/pant and been pricked by something? Then you try to go find it with your hand and it is no where to be found. So the object almost becomes unwearable because you get pricked and you also can't change the situation so you won't get pricked. That is about how I feel around certain people. They prick me in certain ways and I have tried to let them know in some way to change the situation but it does not change anything. Then when I do open up they like run away and don't speak to me for weeks.

My car is still busted but I love the car I am borrowing now. It drives so much better than mine. I want to keep it and that is making me procrastinate on getting mine fixed. I have not posted pictures in a while but I will soon, I promise. My birthday is a week from today and I am getting pretty much very excited. I will be able to date like a grown up and go anywhere that I'd like to go. Speaking of dating, I am smitten. Every time we have talked so far it has been constant conversation and great conversation at that. We had been on the edge between saying, "Hi" and smiling real big when we meet and hugging for like a week. The other day she was mid conversation with someone and broke off to hug me and then went back. Maybe I am reading too much into it but I am smitten, so who cares? The situation is complicated though and I haven't told her that I am smitten yet. The past two women that I have told my feeling to have taken three steps back from me. I am being vague for a reason but if things change I won't be anymore.

Bleh.

So, today was a weird day. Started with me ordering sweet tea from the drive through. I got to talk to my favourite person at the window and we had a great conversation. Half way to work I take my first sip and it was unsweet. It shocked my entire body so much because of the taste expectation I had that was given the exact opposite. I think I even swerved a bit on the road. I get to work and decide to make my own sweet tea. So I do. Put the tea bag in the cup with hot water and sugar. It was actually quite good.

Began to roll through a big list of little tasks I needed to complete for the day. Lunch comes and I have a great time with Dayna. That has an entire post of great conversations and stories by itself. I can not think of something much better than eating a burrito outside on a beautiful day like today with great conversation with a person like Dayna. Wish I had more time with her but we are in different places in life in many ways. The few that we are in the same place hold us together well though.

Work was uneventful but I was completing things. As the day nears its end, I begin to get excited about going to meet Blair for dinner. We try to go to Smokey Bones and apparently many of the locations near me are gone and it is honestly a big loss for me. I was/am a loyal patron because it hits my taste buds at this interesting angle that I enjoy. We end up going to California Pizza Kitchen. It was good because I knew Blair would enjoy it even though I really don't. I hope she reads my blog but not this post. We ate and made plans for the time she will be in town. Which includes a marathon of "The Office" because she loves it and I want to get into it. Then I will have another thing that I can talk about with 30 million more people. Including: Blair, Jamie, Daron, Mark, Kristi, Phillip, and on and on. Excited am I.

I started my car and begun to drive home in high spirits. As I am waiting at the light to turn onto the highway and go one exit down to my house, my check engine light comes on. I think, "hmm, why did that happen?" The light turns green and I turn left onto the highway... my car begins to fall apart. It felt like the car was misfiring out of sync and then it stalled out. I coasted to the side of the road and tried to restart it. At first, nothing. Then, by revving the engine as I started it I got it. The Red Baron and I limped our way home. She is a trooper. I think, "Autozone does free OBD (On-Board Diagnostic) checks. I'll just drive it there."

I go in and check the location and then run back out to limp her to Autozone. Well now she won't start at all. So I want someone to follow me over in the case she completely dies. On the other hand, I do not want someone to come over and me try to start her and not be able to get anywhere. I debate this for an 45 minutes. Among trying to figure out what the issue is myself and calling a few of my "car-buddies". After making noises over the phone to people and describing how the car feels, we come to a conclusion and that includes it being OK for me to limp it to Autozone.

I call Karen, which is just about the hardest thing I have done in my life. I pulled Karen away from 24 during the height of the season. If I had made the decision earlier she wouldn't have missed and we could have gone to 24 together after dropping off my car. Well, she gets there and I feel bad enough already. I try to start the car because Autozone now closes in 40 minutes. I try and try. The car will not start. Now I feel horrible. I pull her from 24 to drive over to my house to follow me to the Autozone and we don't even go anywhere. We end up sitting on the back of my car in silence. Actually it was the thing I needed most right then because I was about to show my anger more then than I have in years. Lets just say I was frustrated.

So, I start calling around for a way to get to and from work tomorrow. I call a friend to see if he can take me to work in the morning. He was the first one I called by the way. Well, because of a certain situation as of yesterday, he has an extra car on his hands for a bit. I could even come by tonight and drive it for a few days while I got mine fixed. How awesome eh? I tried to tear up because I felt like could. No dice. I could not and can not think him enough though. That one thing fixed so many issues in one swoop. Goodness.

So, my mother gives me a ride over to get the car. I get there and his wife gives me the keys and we talk for a bit. I can't stop hugging her and thanking her because they are incredible. Also, fascinating how they just "happened" to have an extra car. Well then my mother was following me back and she got pulled over by a police officer. My head instantly sunk. My head started racing again. I am pretty much flipping out at this point. I have a hard enough time asking people to help me and then when I do they either end up wasting their time or get pulled over by an officer of the law.

Thankfully she was doing nothing wrong and did not get a ticket.

So, look back; follow the waves: up (drive through), down (unsweet), up (sweet), down (work), up (lunch), down (work), up (dinner), down (smokey bones and car), up (think it isn't a big issue), down (take Karen from 24 only to waste her time), up (calm down and find a car), down (mother and cop), up (no ticket).

Roller coaster, I think not. Being the levy at a beach with tsunamis hitting and retreating, ya that's pretty much to how I feel.