Thinking = Mouse Wheel

So I just typed, "I am thinking myself into a hole." Then I deleted it because I am not thinking myself into a hole. I am already in a hole and I am trying to think my way out of it. Yet, I am not going anywhere. I am so stretched/tired that my thoughts aren't effective. Hence: no blogging, no intentional conversations, and no advice. A large part of me feels sick at being in this state. On the other hand though, a growing part of me enjoys not 'trying' to be intentional with my time with people and just allow good timing to rule. This has served me decently well so far and I will let you know how 'it all' turns out. How are you? I want to know your stories. After a quick number crunch, I believe that my gmail account that is in my profile page can hold about 50 million good sized emails. So, email away. I'd like to read. I'd like to know.

I am back!!! ... Well kind of.

So, I have been back from the beach trip for a few days now but two things have hindered me from blogging. One being busyness. The other is the fact that my internet at the house has been in and out. Calling the cable company just gets me disconnected after about 20 minutes leaving me frustrated.

Speaking of frustration, I have a new respect and awkward enjoyment of it. Until this past weekend I have not associated the word frustrated with growth. I even assumed the opposite as in: "the plant tried to grow but was frustrated." That is a plant, I am a human. So, it strikes me now that frustration, if handled correctly, can lead to growth. Almost as if I have two choices every time I become frustrated by something: deal with it or don't deal with it. Normally I fly off the handle and let my anger roll as a great disguise and distraction of me not dealing with it. I really liked what a friend said the other day, "Now that I have this knowledge, I am responsible for it because I am no longer naive."

Now to cap off this challenging blog with the 'end-all-be-all'. So many things in this world today are being 'fixed' by methodologies, 10-step programs, being busy, or the other when it is so much easier than that. As John Lennon said perfectly, "All you need is Love." I want to continue to change my heart to truly love other humans as human beings and fully realize that the world doesn't exist for my convenience and pleasure. The issue is that Love can not be explained. It can be felt and it's massive effects can be seen. I do not honestly think I have seen the effects of or felt the truest of true Love. Maybe that comes from a healthy Love of myself that can then be shown and spread. I'll get back to you on this in a few posts. Maybe in 2040.

Sensitivity

Have you ever put on a shirt/sock/pant and been pricked by something? Then you try to go find it with your hand and it is no where to be found. So the object almost becomes unwearable because you get pricked and you also can't change the situation so you won't get pricked. That is about how I feel around certain people. They prick me in certain ways and I have tried to let them know in some way to change the situation but it does not change anything. Then when I do open up they like run away and don't speak to me for weeks.

My car is still busted but I love the car I am borrowing now. It drives so much better than mine. I want to keep it and that is making me procrastinate on getting mine fixed. I have not posted pictures in a while but I will soon, I promise. My birthday is a week from today and I am getting pretty much very excited. I will be able to date like a grown up and go anywhere that I'd like to go. Speaking of dating, I am smitten. Every time we have talked so far it has been constant conversation and great conversation at that. We had been on the edge between saying, "Hi" and smiling real big when we meet and hugging for like a week. The other day she was mid conversation with someone and broke off to hug me and then went back. Maybe I am reading too much into it but I am smitten, so who cares? The situation is complicated though and I haven't told her that I am smitten yet. The past two women that I have told my feeling to have taken three steps back from me. I am being vague for a reason but if things change I won't be anymore.